The Thoughts of a Dying Man..

Hijrah lagi!

2009-12-30T13:01:00.001+08:00

Click here to visit my new blog.

Sekian.

Hijrah..

2008-04-27T12:39:00.002+08:00

Akhirnya...

thanks to Boey, aku skarang dah decide nak ditch blogger dan pindah ke wordpress...

dan yang bestnye wordpress bole import blogger punye post ke sana... best seh...

so enough rambling...

my new blog is here

Blurry eyes...

2008-04-24T18:48:00.000+08:00

Everything’s so blurry
And everyone's so fake
And everybody’s empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my sea
You know that I’ll protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
Imagine where you are
There’s oceans in between us
But that’s not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When ya shoved it in my face?
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When ya shoved it in my face?

Everyone is changing
There’s no one left that’s real
So make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
'Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my sea
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There’s oceans in between us
But that’s not very far

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When ya shoved it in my face?
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When ya shoved it in my face?
This pain you gave to me

Oh, Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to run away
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you where to run away

Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When ya shoved it in my face?
This pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away?
Can you take it all away?
When ya shoved it in my face?
This pain you gave to me

No, this pain you gave to me
Take it all away
Take it all away
Pain ya gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away

This pain you gave to me

..........

2008-04-19T12:08:00.002+08:00

.....

no point in pondering the past.

tak guna jugak kalau kita pegi dengan orang yang dah tak perlukan kita.

biasalah. time susah kitalah harapan. time senang tanya khabar pon susah.

i hate it when this happen.

i miss you. but yeah, u dun need me anymore. so i'll just slowly vanish.

The Eternal...

2008-04-15T16:37:00.002+08:00

Allah. There is no god but He,-the Living, the Self-subsisting, Eternal. No slumber can seize Him nor sleep. His are all things in the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence except as He permitteth? He knoweth what (appeareth to His creatures as) before or after or behind them. Nor shall they compass aught of His knowledge except as He willeth. His Throne doth extend over the heavens and the earth, and He feeleth no fatigue in guarding and preserving them for He is the Most High, the Supreme (in glory).

(Glorious Qur'an,2:255)

Fitna

2008-04-04T17:20:00.002+08:00

Currently there's a new clip that hit the Net. It's called 'Fitna', taken from the Arabic word 'Fitnah', which means to threw false accusation, or something disastrous that can have monstrous effect. This video was clearly made by a stupid person named Geert Wilder, a Dutch politician. Well I dun fucking care if he’s a politician or a king. He’s stupid. Enough said.

The clip started with a depiction of the Quran being open up, and one of the caricatur that depicted Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. is shown, with the turban being changed into a bomb. Later on the clip started with a surah being read, and depicted clips and clips of suicide bombing, the WTC incident (which clearly shows that the USA is still undecided if the Muslims are behind the attack), and such other attrocities.

Clearly Wildeer is stupid enough not to know that to study Qur’an is to study the context of the Qur’an, just like if you wanna study any religious books. Even a person like me can clearly answer his questions and FITNAH regarding Islam, I believed that the learned people of the book can do better than I do. May the curse of Allah be upon him.

Other than that, life is becoming much more harder. I became harsh. I hate the surroundings. The only time that I truly love is the time when I am sleeping, sleeping away from the miserable people around me.

It’s ok. I can face all this alone, insyaAllah. People around me only know their own feelings, without thinking about what am I facing. When things get out of hand, when I can’t give them what they want, THEY LEFT ME. Act of Friendship? Yeah right. Act of Love? Yeah, right.

Facing these stuff alone is hard enough. Being pushed is another thing. May Allah protect me and give me serenity... T.T

It's that hard?

2008-03-25T11:24:00.002+08:00

Susah sangat ke nak faham?

Aku tak suka di provoke. Provokasi menyebabkan perasaan aku kepada kau menjadi berkurangan. Aku difitnah. People provoked me for no apparent reason. The only reason they have is "Ko tatau ape aku rasa". WHAT THE FUCK? Dah tu KO tau ape AKU rasa?

Susah sangat ke nak faham?

Yang aku nak kau berubah? Tak payah provoke2 lagi. Aku tak penah provoke kau, walau ape pon perkataan dan perkara2 pukimak haram jadah yang ko cakap kat aku. Kau tak habis2 nak sakitkan hati aku. KAU tak habis2 dengan SIFAT keAKUan ko.. "AKU sakit hati", "AKU yang rasa", "cube tanya kenapa AKU jadi begini"... dan penah tak sekali ko fikir kenapa AKU pulak jadi macam nih?? Kau hanya tau nak provoke. Bila ko tak puas hati, ko buat perangai.

Lepas tuh suka2 sakitkan hati orang. Suka2 tuduh2. Suka2 fitnah. Guru dah ajar, tapi buat lagi.

Kau asik nampak keburukan, keburukan yang KAU cipta dalam KEPALA HOTAK kau untuk BERGADOH DENGAN AKU. Dan aku dah cakap banyak kali KERANA SIKAP KAU YANG NI LAH MENYEBABKAN AKU MENYAMPAH, AKU MELUAT.. AKU TAK SUKA DIFITNAH!! AKU TAK SUKA BERGADOH!!! itu pon susah sangat nak faham ke, bodoh!!

Aku takde buat baik kat ko? Aku tak penah susah kerana kau? Dah berapa kali aku bergadoh dengan orang lain kerana nak MEMPERTAHANKAN KAU?? Yang itu, kau taknak ambil kira??

....... when will you change? T.T

...............

2008-03-13T17:50:00.003+08:00

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide..

No escape from reality....

Open your eyes.
Look up to the skies and see...

I'm just a poor boy
I need no sympathy

because I'm easy come easy go

Little high, Little low

Anywhere the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me..

To me...

I'm sorry that I can't be perfect and I'm sorry that I didn't grow up according to plan...

What if.....

2008-02-18T17:51:00.002+08:00

... you are left alone without anyone to talk to? Mesti rase macam nak pukul orang kan? Well, I've always have that kind of feelings. Tapi slalu aku tolak tepi dengan bermain2 dengan gitar kapok (tuh pon daripada ikhsan Fariz :p). Semalam je, tiba2 perasaan sunyi tuh timbul. So dengan fucked-up nye aku decide untuk pegi basuh keta tengah2 malam buta. But first, a trip around Johor Bahru uhuhuh...

Macam2 jenis orang aku tengok. Banyak yang tak bestlah daripada best. Lalu kat bandar, nampak few girls yang tengah tunggu bas. Keje shift malamlah kot. Kesian. I've been in their shoes, and damn I was so fucked up back then! Tertekan gile, balik malam, takde time untuk diri sendiri.

And then there are guys, melayu, maybe mixed blood, but still looks like a malay to me, duduk kat tepi2 jalan. From the looks of it, dorang macam dalam keadaan mabuk. Pity them. Actually, kesian kat mak bapak. Kalau parents depa tau, msti rase kecik ati. Aku haraplah supaya aku dan keturunan aku (kalau aderlah) akan dipeliharan daripada perkara2 macam tuh.

Semalam, macam2 aku pikir. Kadang2 rase macam tak diperlukan lagi. I felt that I am no use to the world. Frankly speaking, if I were a non-muslim I'd swear I'll do something stupid last night. Tapi Alhamdulillah, selepas mendengar perdebatan antara akal dan nafsu aku, akal aku menang 1 - 0. So I just toured around JB, ingat nak beli DVD tapi macam takde duit.

Time2 macam nih, aku baru perasan, yang actually, aku ader ke, takde ke, same je. Bukan nak cakap ngada2 atau perlukan perhatian. Aku type nih pon, aku takde perasaan sedih whatsoever. It's a simple, plain truth. Most of the people that I've known to 'need me', don't really 'need me' in the first place. Cakap hanya untuk sedapkan hati aku. I dun mind. I dun even care. Sekarang, kalau orang tak perlukan aku, takpe. Tapi aku sendiri perlukan diri aku sendiri. I am my own friend. I am my own enemy.

Baru perasan betapa besarnya kuasa Allah. Left alone is such a pain. Nampak macam ramia kawan, tapi actually, I felt hollow inside. Ntahlah. Yelah, aku nih takda apa2. Belajar pon tak tinggi. Sapa nak pandang. *haa nih ayat ngada2 :P *

Shah dah selamat pindah KL. Wangsa Maju if I am not mistaken. So no jam session for us for the timebeing. Lepas nih nak jam kene pi KL, or tunggu Shah balik sini.

Depression semakin melanda. Tapi probnye aku tatau nape aku jadi macam nih. Badan ja besaq, hati kecik macam tikuih. Key mark.

.. again I reach out in the dark, in despair...

^.^;;

2008-02-08T20:59:00.000+08:00

Damn it.
Why can't I have the peace and serenity that I've longed for? For crying out loud, I work my ass all the time and I don't even have enough time to finish my Devil May Cry. Yeah guys, the FIRST Devil May Cry. Not to mention the math equation of my life here :-

workload + monthly pay

what the heck. And yeah, skarang aku makin lama makin lepaskan ape yang terpendam selama ini. The dark side of me is taking over. (Damn that sounds biblical haha) I don't need someone to smoothers me. I don't need someone to tell me what's right and what's wrong. I just need some support damn it. For some reason, I'm sick of everything! I wish... I have enough money to run away, just for 2 or 3 days. Run away from EVERYTHING and EVERYONE!! Just go to anywhere that nobody knows me, and relax my god-forsaken mind. I imagine, a beach... will lots and lots of small and cute child, with lots and lots of MILF with huge titties and butts hahaha...

I just need to relax my mind, that's all.

Kusut kepala fikir!!

Aku dah penat jaga hati orang. Dah penat fikir orang lain punye susah, orang lain punye perasaan. Heck aku ader jugak perasaan ok? I'm a fucking normal human being damn it. I need money, space, time, comrade, friends etc. I have a small fucking thing called heart damn it!! No matter how black, how fucking disgusting my heart is, it is still, in fact, a god damn HEART! I know the feeling of being left alone, the feeling of being smoothered, the feeling of serenity etc. What's with you??

I wish... I wish this would all go away.

Go away!

I wanna lie down and sleep. Yeah, sleep. Been lacking of it lately.

And I wanna enjoy my time with my console. I wanna enjoy the sweet smell of Mummy's Nescafe (God knows I can't live without it).

And I want, no, I need a fucking burger!

Ignore this entry. It's a totally fucked up entry from my twisted mind.

I think I'm going insane...

Blog memaki

2008-01-27T16:06:00.000+08:00

To whom it may concern,

Aku dah tatau nak cakap ape. AKU tolong KAU, AKU tak penah niat nak aniaya KAU!! Tapi apsal ko tak puas ati dengan aku? Apsal ko fitnah aku? BALIK2 cite dulu, BALIK2, cite DULU... ko sedar ke tak sedar yang DULU tuh dah LEPAS?? Binatang pun tau nak hargai kebaikan orang, tak kiralah orang tuh perompak ke pembunuh ke, tapi KAU yang ALLAH S.W.T kurniakan cukup SIFAT, AKAL yang waras, tatau nak hargai kebaikan orang. What kind of human are you, anyway?

Aku memang tak kesah kalau orang buat aku macam nih... biaserlah manusia ader sikit sifat macam nih, aku pon ader, tapi KAU dah SELALU SANGAT CARI PASAL DENGAN aku. KAU nak cerita pasal kisah dulu? KAU pegilah cerita kat SEMUA orang tentang kejahatan AKU, tapi jangan SEKALI2 KAU samakan AKU DENGAN KAU!! AKU TAKKAN SEKALI2 UNGKIT PERKARA LEPAS!! AKU SEDAR YANG DARIPADA AKU BISING2 KAT ORANG TENTANG PERKARA LEPAS, LEBIH BAIK AKU BIARKAN ORANG TUH SENDIRI!! SEBAB MENGUNGKIT PERKARA LEPAS ITU SIFAT YAHUDI!!!!

Oh, saper2 yang terasa @ tidak, yang nak marah @ yang nak gelak, tak payah lah komen kat sini... Aku akan delete segala komen yang ade, so kalau ader yang tak puas ati, email aje aku @ call aje aku. Jangan jadi penakut, hidup dalam bayang2 sendiri.

So kau pegi buat ape kau nak. Aku cume mintak kau jangan menghina aku dengan menyamakan aku dengan kau.

"Bagi kamu agama kamu, bagi aku, agamaku" (Surah Al-Kafirun : 6)

..... Boring post...

2008-01-27T15:56:00.000+08:00

Ok. I'm not rich enough to buy both of these OSes.

BUT... being a freak (a poor freak, that is), i uses flyakiteOSX and transform my office PC into a more Mac feel. Hence my poor PC got pimped by me, and it has most of the Mac interfaces, including the dock. No screenshot available, though. :p

Then, after a trip to the second office (called O2 by my colleagues) and having a glimpse at Mr. Wong's laptop, I suddenly felt something magical when I look at his Windows Vista. Yeah, I know, I can't make up my mind. Thank God I'm not THAT rich to buy those OSes, so I got back to my office, browse for some Vista Theme on XP, and found that they have such theme, only without those Aero interfaces. So I guess what the heck, just try the interface.

So I downloaded the pack, uninstall it and try out the theme. Forgot the link, though, but u need to patch up the theme.dll in your pc. The flyakiteOSX did this for me, so no problem there. And so began my PC's life as a mock Windows Vista. It has most of the Vista interfaces, except the glassy effect. The theme did not change my icons and logon screen to a normal Windows, and due to the fact that I uses flyakite before, now I have a Mac logon screen, a Mac icon and a Vista interface. I dunno if I should feel happy or bad about it. T.T

I think I'ma buy meself a new PC WITH Vista. That'll do the trick hahaha...

Oh, and iMac launches MacBook Air. The world thinnest laptop. It's not even 1 inch thick, and weights around 1.36kg. What kind of a technology is this man.... T.T Uses and Intel Core Duo 2 chipset, though. :p

Oh well... job's a hassle. And I like Hui Ming. Hehehehe :p

1.4.2.9

2008-01-10T14:06:00.000+08:00

Again. It's new year.

1 Muharram 1429.

To think that Muhammad s.a.w walked all the way from Makkah to Madinah. I've asked those who went to perform their Haji or Umrah (cough.. Fariz.. cough..) and they say that Makkah to Madinah is like from Johor to Perlis, and I go O,o ---> O.O ----> T.T . Can't imagine our great prophet walked all the way, on a desert filled with hot sands and sharp-edged stones. May Allah grant him the eternal peace that he deserved. Without his sacrifices, we would never have known Islam.

Now I am assigned to a new project. The 3-S project. It stands for 'Sales', 'Service', and 'Spare parts'. And to think that the CRMS project is still running. Nahh it's ok, it's my job, aye? Need to put full attention to it, else won't have enough money to buy meself a Playstation 3 hahah :p

My back is killing me. Which I understand why. I barely have enough time for myself, always on the move. Ahad keje. No time for rest. The only reason for me to be home is for my slumber. Kesian pulak kat Mummy. Abeh nak buat macam mana. Kadang2 sibuk gile. Kadang2 orang mintak tolong, takkan kite nak biar orang kan? Tapi yang paling aku menyampah adalah bila orang tak paham bahasa. Nak rehat pon takleh haha.. So what did I do? Ignore them! Sorrylah kalau ade sape2 yang terasa. Bukan sengaja ignore, bukan taknak kawan dah, tapi nak buat macam mana. Jaga diri sendiri wajib maaa... Time2 gini teringat ayat Encik Ismail, old, old friend of mine.. "Enjoy sama2, Keje aku sorang ngadap.." :p

Although I'm running a busy life, I manage to squeeze in some time for my dear console haha. Still into Final Fantasy X, though. And yeah I also squeeze some time for some guitar licks. Bile tah nak jam lagi.

Oh, and I'm working today, 10 January 2008 @ 1 Muharram 1429. See. Still not having a rest at home. Takpelah, cari duit maaaa.. nak beli PS3, nak beli XboX 360. Nak beli macam2, sume pakai duit. Money makes the world go round aye? People judge you not by how good your heart is, but how full your wallet is hehehe..

So yeah... Azam tahun baru adalah untuk menjadi orang yang berduit, berharta, berwang, berpangkat, berjawatan, dan segala yang seantero dengan die. Mengejar harta dunia hahaha..

Semalam dia ada kat rumah aku. Datang nak ambik barang. What the fuck is she doing in my home. Dulu masa bercinta taknak datang mase mak aku ade, sekarang sibuk datang amik barang without letting me know. Bile aku nampak dia, aku rase macam nak sepak pon ade, rase macam nak lempang pon ade. Tapi se-keymark2 dia pon, dia penah tolong aku suatu ketika dahulu. Cume perangai je cam haram, pentingkan diri sendiri. Sendiri aje nak betul. Sanggup buat apa sahaja untuk cover supaya kesalahan tak diletakkan di atas bahu dia. Lepas tuh bile dah terbukti salah, tak reti langsung nak amik hati orang. Pentingkan diri sendiri. Selfish bitch. Bile aku pk balik, memang rasa nak maki aje. Tak guna ada harta, ada rupa, ada pelajaran, tapi perangai macam pukimak haram jadah. I don't believe that I actually used to love her. Nasib baik dia tak jadi bini aku *agaknye*, kalau tak mampos aku kene ikut cakap dia je.

Well, terlepas pulak kemarahan kat sini... Happy New Year kawan2. Semoga dirahmati Allah sentiasa. God Bless You All, my brothers in arms...

2008

2008-01-06T10:49:00.000+08:00

New Year!! One year older. One step closer.

Sebelum ape2 pun, takziah diucapkan kepada Cik Mary2 Zaemon kerana telah berjaya membenarkan rumah nya dirampok laju2 oleh orang2 yang tidak bertanggungjawab. Sungguh kesian Cik Mary. But, a strong girl, she is!! Ehhhh... nih darah panglima tau. Keluarga Zaemon pantang menyerah! *menunjuk ke arah panglima gigi*

Lately nih banyak perkara yang aku fikir. Tahun baru. Tapi aku still macam ni. No big difference. Kerja is OK. Just that I'm not quite happy with the management. Not very good on managing manpower. Tapi takpelah. Aku pon baru. Who am I to judge them, yang dah bertahun2 keje dengan Auspac?

Persatuan makin best. Kemahiran dah start. Which means that torturing session has started. Aku tak sempat lagi jengah ke kelas kemahiran. Tapi best lah sbb buat kat atas pasir. Baru best, balik silat luka2 tapak kaki hahahah.

I have an obsession with Mr. Saul Hudson. His guitar skills is like.. WOAHHH. Sure, there are some who plays faster than him *Buckethead.. cough.. cough..* but hey, he's good, ya? I think one of his greatest solo, doodling around the blues scales and improvision is here. Man.. I wish I could play like him... :p

Macam2 perkara yang terlintas kat dalam kepala hotak aku yang memang botak nih. Kerja makin seronok, dapat jalan2, dapat jmpe kastemer baru, which means dapat kawan baru lah. Sume orang cakap aku nih ramah mesra, aku rasa tuh ayat yang sopan untuk "tatau malu" :p hahah

Oh... By the way.. Dark Valefor, Dark Ifrit, Dark Shiva, Dark Ixion is a goner. Arwah. Mendiang. Selamat meninggal... and to think I beat 'em with a low defence and Acc (both haven't even pass 200). Currently, I'm trying to harvest Dark Matter from Dark Yojimbo. I hate him. I hate his dog. And yes.. I hate him!!! Freaking samurai he-bitch keep on dodging my attack!! T.T I need to train my Acc and my Luck *puts on Final Fantasy X game*

Tibe2 aku rindu kat kawan2 Auspac aku. Hahahah best kalau aku datang opis Impian Emas... ader biskut, ader melo, ader kawan2 yang aku memang akan sakat sampai depa sakit hati hahahah *Puan Ayu, terima kasih atas layanan mesra anda. Rahsiamu akan ku pegang*

Other than that, nothing much has happen. 2008 is just like the rest of the years. I hope this year will bring good luck, prosperity, good health etc bla bla bla... and I hope that my friends and family will gain happiness in their future undertaking.

p/s : Saul Hudson = Slash

Freaking post...

2007-12-28T10:43:00.000+08:00

Been Tagged (Ripped from Mary-Mary Zaemon)

1) Name of a person who made you laugh last night?
Fariz The Main Man (Gay moments @ Rumah Persatuan hahahahah)

2) What were you doing at 0800?
Woke up to the sound of a pouring rain.. ehh.. I mean.. Woke up..

3) What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Tengok gmbar alieya.. comel!! Rindu!! *tapi tak penah jmpe*

4) What happened to you in 2006?
New job. New friends. Oh.. and beaten Dark Valefor of Final Fantasy X haha

5) What was the last thing you said out loud?
"Aku tak dengar sound gitar ko lah kimak!!"

6) How many beverages did you have today?
2. Dua2 nescafe Mummy..

7) What colour is your hairbrush?
No hair = No hairbrush..

8) What was the last thing you paid for?
RM 6 = Nasi Ambang Umah Persatuan

9) Where were you last night?
Rumah Persatuan..

10) What colour is your front door?
Brown. Dan Brown huhu..

11) Where do you keep your change?
Where they belong.

12) What's the weather like today?
The sun is out. The birds are flying happily. Wait2, that's no bird, that's a huge bitch..

13) What's the best ice-cream flavour?
CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!

14) What excites you?
A hot girl's ass. Uhhhh...

15) Do you want to cut your hair?
......... refer to question 7

16) Are you over the age of 25?
uhhh.. 25 years, 1 month and 17 days

17) Do you talk a lot?
U damn rite I do!!

18) Do you watch the O.C?
O.C? uhhh...

19) Do you know anyone named Steven?
Steven Lambert. My imaginary pet dragon.

20) Do you make up your own words?
what words?

21) Are you a jealous person?
HELL YEAH..

22) Name a friend or friends whose name starts with the letter 'A'.
Ahmad, Azrul, Ayam, Abu, Arnab, America, Along, Angah, Acik, Anem, Ajoi, Abang Man, Abang Bundy, Abang Ramzee, Abang Zul etc.. hahahahah

23) Name a friend or friends whose name starts with the letter 'K'.
Khumaira, Kentang, Keropok, Kambing, Kelang, Kak Long, Kak Cik, Kak Ati.. :p

24) Who's the first person on your received call list?
Roslinda

25) What does the last text message you received say
"ko dah bekpes?"

26) Do you chew on your straw?
Nope. I eat 'em up raw

28) Where's the next place you're going to?
Masjid.

29) Who's the rudest person in your life?
Nyeh.. some slut..

30) What was the last thing you ate?
Cucur Udang..

31) Will you get married in the future?
InsyaAllah... kalau tak nak jilat ***** saper? hahahah..

32) What's the best movie you've seen in the past 2 weeks?
Last was Hitman.

33) Is there anyone you like right now ?
............................

34) When was the last time you did the dishes?
Tak ingat *buli adik*

35) Are you currently depressed?
Yeahhh..

36) Did you cry today?
Nope..

37) Why did you answer and post this?
Better than watching some transvestite's porno flick..

38) Tag 5 people who would do this survey.
i have no idea..

Nasi Lemak Kampung Oren.

2007-12-21T17:31:00.000+08:00

I'm blogging from the office. Haha.

Having a fever these few days, which means I have to listen to Mummy's blabbering about hot-water bath and hot drinks and early sleep and stuff. Hahaha it doesn't matter she's MY Mummy and I love her more than anything.

If there's anything that kept me busy while I am sick, it's Final Fantasy X. Yeah, I know it's an old game but heck.. haven't been able to beat 'em dark aeons. Damn it. I'm leveling up, though. Watch out dark aeons, I'm coming to get ya! :p

Crazy Train

2007-12-16T16:55:00.001+08:00

Crazy Train..

Crazy, but that's how it goes
Millions of people living as fools
Maybe it's not too late
To learn how to love
And forget how to hate

Mental wounds not healing
Life's a bitter shame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

I've listened to preachers
I've listened to fools
I've watched all the dropouts
Who make their own rules
One person conditioned to rule and control
The media sells it and you live the role

Mental wounds still screaming
Driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

I know that things are going wrong for me
You gotta listen to my words
Heirs of a cold war
That's what we've become
Inheriting troubles I'm mentally numb
Crazy, I just cannot bear
I'm living with something that just isn't fair

Mental wounds not healing
Who and what's to blame
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train.

-------------------------

If you have all the wealth in the world, then you are the best person to be friend with. People don't fucking care if you're a nice person or a rapist, as long as you have the money to buy people's believe, you're on top of the world.

People judge you with by looking at your career, your monthly income, your car, your houses etc. None looks you at who you really are, the heart that decides the person's outcome.

Teringat kata-kata ustaz.. "Tengok dengan mata, tak boleh pakai. Dengar dengan telinga, tak boleh pakai. Lihat dan dengar dengan akal yang waras..." or something like that. Point is I was taught from the very beginning to look into the heart of others and not by their races or believes or income or career or whatever.

A lowly beggar can have the heart of 1000 angels while a powerful King can have a heart of a beast.

Screw the world.

Thanks Ozzy.

The Unspoken. The Unsent.

2007-11-25T11:36:00.000+08:00

To my beloved parents..

I am sorry. Sorry for not being the bright child you are hoping I would be. I am sorry to disappoint you in a way that you are feeling ashame of having me as your son. Though I am trying to set things right, I know that things will never be the same, and I can never make you guys proud.

I'm sorry I don't own a fancy car like some of your friend's son or daughter. I am sorry I don't own a piece of paper called 'Master' or 'Degree' or something like that. I am sorry to disappoint you over and over again with my bad attitude and ruthless way of thinking. I am so sorry. Though I love both of you equally with my heart and soul, I know now that I can never hear laughters from both of you, and I can never feel the loving touch of a father used to give to his child when the child needed him the most. I am sorry. I love both of you so much that I'll die for you. Both of you are the King and Queen of my heart. I wish both of you would just stop and turn around, coz I am always right here behind you all, hoping that you would need me one day. And I am still waiting...

To my dear little sister,

Oh how you have grown into such a fine young lady! Though you do look like a boy sometimes :P I truly look at you as the young, vulnerable girl just like when you were born. I truly love you, you are truly my pride and joy. Though sometimes I act like a complete moron, I certainly wish that I could lift you up when you are down. I am sorry for not being the best brother you've ever known. I am sorry that I am not there when you needed me. And I am sorry for not being able to give you the best advice when you need them. I am sorry.

To all of my bestest friend a person could ever have,

I know you guys will disagree on this entry. But heck, I am dead bored now. Thank you guys. Though I always act like a complete idiot, you guys are the ones who helped me out when I was down. Yeah, I know, you all didn't literally helped me, but being there and makes me laugh is the best thing a person could have ever done to me. I am sorry I am not the best of friends you guys can have, I hope our friendship would last forever. InsyaAllah..

To the girl who stole my heart,

I am sorry for not being there for you when you were down. I am sorry for not being able to hug you when you need me. Your smile makes my day, and hear this.. I L.O.V.E Y.O.U! Your presence soothes my aching heart, and receiving your sms-es really put a smile on my empty heart. I certainly wish I could fly over to your room and hug you until the end of time, yet I do not have the power nor the authority to do so. So all I can do is hope for the best. I am sorry. I am sorry for causing you grieve and sadness.

All I wanted was for all of you to be happy for knowing me. If any of you felt that it is a mistake to even know me, then I am sorry. I apologize from the bottom of my heart. I love all of you. Thank you for everything that you all have done for me....

Love of my life, you hurt me,
You broken my heart, now you leave me.

Love of my life cant you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Dont take it away from me,
Because you dont know what it means to me.

Love of my life dont leave me,
Youve stolen my love now desert me,

Love of my life cant you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Dont take it away from me,
Because you dont know what it means to me.

You will remember when this is blown over,
And everythings all by the way,
When I grow older,
I will be there by your side,
To remind how I still love you
I still love you.

Hurry back hurry back,
Dont take it away from me,
Because you dont know what it means to me.

Love of my life,
Love of my life.

*sigh*

D.A.R.K A.E.O.N.S

2007-11-14T14:58:00.000+08:00

It's decided.

I am gonna replay Final Fantasy X : International, and I am gonna beat the crap out of those dark aeons and Penance himself.

For those who didn't know what the heck am I talking about, dark aeons the evil version of Yuna's aeons (or summonned beast in general gaming terms), and is considered as the most hardest optional bosses in FF histories, having maxed out stats and devastating attack which always follows with status effects. Penance is the last optional boss in FFX:I, if u can beat all of the dark aeons, Penance will appear on the world map.

Wish me luck guys, hell I am gonna need it A LOT!!

Prince...

2007-11-09T12:20:00.000+08:00

Prince Of Darkness

My victims are rich of poor, young or old, strong or weak
I cause millions of accidents, I am cancer in your bones
I fathered the lie, twist what you say, speak not the truth
I am insidious, impartial, deep inside your chromosomes

I take what you love, and leave you in tears
I imprison your soul, your hopes are my games
I strip you of pride, my promise is in vain
While you burn at the stake I dance with the flames

I bring poverty, sickness and death
A worthless handshake, the slickest thief, I steal your wealth
I answer your prayers for greed and lust
More than evil, I laugh at your trust

I am more powerful than all the armies of the world
I am more violent than violence, more deadly than death
I have destroyed more men than all the nation's wars
I am relentless, unpredictable, waiting for your last breath

Evil, more evil than violence
Violent, more violent than death
Deadly, more deadly than man
I am yeah, yeah, I'm evil I am

My kingdom corrupt with dissent
Your sins erupt by my intent
I loathe your prayer, I wallow in sin
Let the nightmare begin
Prince of darkness, your satanic highness
Prince of darkness, the devilish serpent, the dreaded Lucifer
Prince of darkness

I take what you love, and leave you in tears
Imprison your soul, your hopes are my games
I strip you of pride, my promise is in vain
While you burn at the stake I dance with the flames

Prince of darkness, your satanic highness
Prince of darkness, the most beautiful angel
Prince of darkness, the devilish serpent, the dreaded Lucifer
Prince of darkness, unpredictable, the prince of darkness
Prince of darkness

Hades

2007-10-28T17:37:00.000+08:00

I am so freaking down. Everyone seems to be doing so well and I am happy for 'em. My best-butt, I mean, bud, Shah, now got a job in Kiswire (is this how u spell it, bitch?), and he's making quite progress. Injured his knee during the process of 'sitting down' (or so he said) and end up having that weird chinese patch on his left knee. But he is doing great and I am proud to be his friend. Hahaha dah keje baru tau penat kan kimak? :P

Princess Lilo, now she's made a HUGE, and I do mean, HUGE, progress in her life. Her Mr.Panjang did that merisik thing and yeah she's gonna get married. Boo hoo the nightmare came true. I am finally losing my bestest friend I ever had. Dah tak bole lagi ajak lepak2, although I know that Panjang doesn't mind at all. Kene hormat maaa.. orang sudah mau kawin... hahaha... Princess, I am proud of you. Finally ader orang jaga dah.. I can rest in peace knowing that you are in good hands. Tapi jangan risau.. anak ko tetap akan ku goda supaya menyertai diriku ini hahahaha!!! *Hari ini uncle Just ajar mende baru*

Fariz is doing his master, and he's doing great. Well at least that's what he told me. It's kinda ironic. You see.. Fariz sucks big time in Chemistry back in our high school days. And when I say sucks, I mean sucks... He can even sleep in the damn class, and he even showed me his report card and trust me, it ain't pretty hahahahaha....

Bayah @ Kak Noi dah lama tak contact. She's damn busy kat Pontian, ntah ape tah die buat. Tapi she's such a nice Big Sis. Rindu nak sepak pelipat dier huhu... But she's doing great. Offered hell of an advice, though sometimes her words seems like a freaking drunk woman trying to pretend that she is a cowgirl.

Firdauz @ Bullu @ Boo Loo is currently posted in Pontian. He said that he's starting to like that place. Forgot the name of the place but I'm sure he'll be happy and content there. Though he seems more sissy now (kimak ajak jam penatlah, demamlah.. ngada2), but he's fun to be with.

Elaine, last I've heard from her, is STILL babysitting that Izz dude. Hehehe.. belajar2 tinggi2, balik umah jadi nanny. Tapi takpe, she seems to enjoy it, and she's having that bond/chemistry thing with that kid. I think that kid is calling her 'mama'.. I wonder does she even breast-feed Izz? Ugly.. ugly sight... T.T

Other's are moving on towards their lives the normal way. Going to work, work like their lives depends on it (which it is), go home, sleep, repeat step one. The same goes for me. Oh I am changing my job (again). Now I'll be serving Lynn's company, Auspac Solutions, as a System Support. I am also trying to learn PHP, I wonder what does that means. Hahaha.. I guess I am moving on, too.

Life is really challenging me. I have to face it up, and the most scariest part is that I am facing it alone. Family is there but hey, people don't know the darkest part of my life, my family etc. People around me are pushing me around, putting the blame on me. Yeah, let the black sheep of the family took the blame. Let the most unsuccessful, most lamest of 'em, took the blame.

I hate these people. Tau lah aku bodoh tapi tak payahlah blame aku. Sampai bila? Just because I dun have a fucking degree, a fucking master, doesn't mean that I don't have the right to live, the right to love and be loved. Damn it..

I miss her...

I.S.L.A.M

2007-10-07T17:17:00.000+08:00

I've always browse around www.youtube.com, searching for any new videos and stuff that I like. Most of the times I'll search for live videos from my favourite band and, of course, some of the gruesome death videos. From execution to accidents, you name it, I'll search for it! But, I've come across some of the videos that has something to do with religion, mainly Islam. Some comments on Islam without actually know what is Islam. SOOOO I decide to blog about Islam. This does not means that I am such a devoted and pious muslim. This is what I truly believes in and this is all I can do thus far to fight and protect the religion which I love so dearly.

Islam is a religion brought to Earth by Prophet Muhammad S.A.W. The word "ISLAM" derived from an arabic word "SALAM" which means "Safe" or "Tranquility" "Serenity". The word "Islam" itself, in fact, was not given by the Prophet Muhammad, but it was given by Allah Himself.

"This day have I perfected your religion for you, completed My favour upon you, and have chosen for you Islam as your religion"

Holy Quran, Al-Maidah:3

So basically Islam is NOT a religion INVENTED by Muhammad S.A.W, but it's a religion which is from Allah and was given to us through Muhammad S.A.W.

So basically Islam does not promote killings of the non-believers. This is proven when Muhammad S.A.W himself opens up Madinah and allows the Jewish to settle there alongside the fellow muslim. Islam taught us to defend ourself, killing is only if there is NO OTHER SOLUTIONS. We do have capital punishment, but this is done only after ALL OF THE REQUIREMENT WERE MET and not SOME OF THE REQUIREMENT! Even if all of the requirement were met, if the family of the victims decide to forgive the condemned, the condemned is set free, but he/she will have to pay the victim's family some amount, be it in order of cash, or cattle etc.

People out there say something bad about Allah, about Muhammad, and about the Holy Qur'an. Heck they even say that the Qur'an copies the bible etc. This is not so. It's simple. If the Qur'an were copies of the Bible, then I'd say that the Bible is a copy of Torah, since Torah came before Bible. In the Bible, there is the Old Testament, it is said to be Moses's book, and the New Testament, said to be Jesus's book. Yet we, the muslim, strongly believes that there's NEW testament, there's OLD testament, and heck there must be some sort of and FINAL Testament to clarify both books. Yeah you've guessed it, we believed that Al-Qur'an is the LAST TESTAMENT send down to us to clarify all the other books. We, the muslims, MUST believe the other books, the Psalm (Zabur), Torah (Taurat), Bible (Injil) and Al-Qur'an. So we do not actually say they are 100% wrong, we are saying that Muhammad S.A.W came to perfected the religion and to unite all the people under one God.

But of course there are some of the religions which clearly oppose Muhammad's teachings. The Christian's trinity concept if one of them. We believe that Jesus is Allah's Prophet, one of the five Ulul'azmi or Great Prophet. He did preach to his people, yet he DID NOT DIE on the cross. He was ascended to Heaven with Allah's Will and he will descend back to Earth to fight and kill Dajjal (or Anti-Christ as the Christians calls him).

Look at it this way. Bible did not teach the Christians how to handle those who commits blasphemy, or adultery, or thief etc. How those previous people punish the criminal is based on human thoughts. But the Bible stated that these people have commited sins and God hated them until they repent. But with the coming of Al-Qur'an, it's stated in it that God hated them until they repent, they have commited sins, just like the Bible BUT WITH ONE MORE THING, the punishment they must faced to balance the justice.

Muhammad S.A.W does not copy the Bible, this is not possible. He can't even read! The original Bible came from Allah S.W.T. so does the Al-Qur'an. There is so many scientific prove in the Qur'an to prove that it is from Allah and NOT from a human's writing. I'll blog about this later on.

I wish that you, who is reading my blog right now, to stop and think about Islam. It doesn't matter if you are a muslim or not. Stop judging Islam. Don't say things that you don't know. I believe that all religion teaches their believers to do good deeds.

So please stop hating Islam.

Wonderful?

2007-09-23T16:23:00.000+08:00

Sekarang nih macam2 masalah yang datang. Aku tak dapat cope ngan study aku. I think I'm gonna fail this sem. Mummy baru kuar spital, so skarang memang zaman kejatuhan ah, masalah ekonomi. Lepas tuh bolehh pulak adik aku pinjam laptop orang, umah die kene pecah dan laptop tuh hilang. Aku yang tatau ape nih, tiba2 kene ganti laptop tuh. Yeah atas dasar akulah abang dia, bile susah ramai yang mintak tolong kat aku tapi bila senang...

Kelas pulak aku tak dapat pegi. Sem nih amik account pulak tuh. Teringat zaman2 sekolah yang mana aku blajar akaun, dan aku berjaya untuk fail dalam SPM haha. Skarang aku kene relive that nightmare.. God help me.. T.T

Banyak lagi masalah yang datang. Susah nak cakap. Penat nak cerita. Aku dah tak percaya kat orang. Walau sesiapa pun yang datang nak hulur bantuan, aku taknak. Phobia dengan orang yang pura2 baik tapi last2 aku jugak yang kena. Tapi... ader someone, she's kinda different. Nak kate sengal, memang die sengal pon.. hahah... But she's different. Stakat ni die takde lah tipu aku ker, tapi sakitkan ati aku banyak kali lah!! Rase macam nak tumbuk aje die tapi nnt die amik kaedah pulak :P

Sekarang ni life memang tengah huru-hara, tapi tuh lah.. thanks to puan cacing, aku rase ok sikit lah. Dia banyak kasik aku peluang.. peluang untuk kutuk die hahahah... ape hubungan yang kami ada, sorang aje yang tau dalam dunia nih. Yang lain tatau. We decide to keep it a secret. We are learning to trust each other. Ni part yang susah sket. Tapi we are trying.

Yang penting skarang Ramadhan. Bukan masa untuk aku pikir pasal orang, tapi masa untuk aku pikir pasal aku. Mana tau tah2 tak sempat tengok raya aku dah balik, tapi best jugak balik time2 Ramadhan ni....

Sedih.. sakit ati sume ader skarang... Dah 3 kali dah seseorang itu berbuka kat umah aku. We used to be so close, tapi skarang dah jauh macam langit ngan sarang semut. Aku yang buat jarak ni. Aku yang buat jurang yang besar ni. Aku rasa seolah2 dia dah taknak aku, bukan taknak ape, maksud aku kawan pon taknak. So aku jauhkan diri langsung dari dia, untuk tolong dia aje. Biarlah, dia dah hepi ngan life die. Hidup dia dah teratur, buat ape die nak pikir pasal idup aku yang tak teratur ni?

Tiba2 aku rase macam nak terbang pegi jmpe Puan Cacing... hahahah agaknyer aperlah yang dier makan berbuka ehh...?

... Jibril teaches!!

2007-09-16T01:19:00.000+08:00

Pada suatu hari, sedang baginda Muhammad S.A.W sedang duduk bersama para sahabat, maka datanglah seorang pemuda yang berpakaian serba putih, dengan rambut yang serba hitam. Pada raut wajahnya tiada kelihatan tanda2 kepenatan, manakala tiada pula tanda2 beliau telah berjalan jauh, sedangkan para jemaah tidak mengenal akan jejaka itu.

Maka pemuda itu berjalan ke arah baginda Muhammad S.A.W dan duduk di hadapan baginda. Beliau duduk dengan lutut beliau bertemu dengan lutut baginda, dan setelah meletakkan tangan beliau di atas peha baginda, beliau bertanya "Wahai Muhammad, terangkanlah kepadaku tentang Islam". Maka baginda menjawab dengan tenang "Islam adalah mengaku tiada Tuhan melainkan Allah dan Muhammad adalah pesuruh Allah, mendirikan solat, menunaikan zakat, berpuasa pada bulan Ramadhan dan menunaikan haji bagi mereka yang mampu". Setelah mendengar penjelasan tersebut pemuda itu berkata "Benar kata-kata kamu itu". Maka para jemaah berasa semakin pelik, mengapa pemuda itu membenarkan kata2 baginda sedangkan pemuda itu yang bertanya. (Sepatutnya orang yang bertanya adalah orang yang tidak tahu akan fakta sesuatu)

Kemudian pemuda itu bertanya "Terangkan kepada aku tentang Iman". Baginda menjawab "Iman adalah mempercayai dengan sepenuh hati kepada Allah, Malaikat2-Nya, Kitab2-Nya, Rasul2-Nya, mempercayai sepenuh hati kepada Hari Qiamat dan kepada Qada' dan Qadar." Setelah selesai, sekali lagi pemuda itu berkata "Benar kata-kata kamu itu."

Pemuda itu kemudiannya bertanya "Jikalau begitu terangkanlah kepadaku tentang Ihsan". Baginda menjawab lagi "Ihsan adalah menyembah Allah seolah-olah kamu melihat Dia. Walaupun kamu tidak melihat Dia, yakinlah bahawa Dia melihat kamu"

Pemuda itu bertanya lagi "Ceritakan kepada aku tentang waktu Hari Qiamat". Rasulullah menjawab "Yang bertanya dan yang ditanya tidak ada pengetahuan tentang itu. Allah sahaja yang mengetahui tentangnya (waktu Hari Qiamat)"

Pemuda itu masih lagi bertanya. "Jikalau begitu terangkan kepadaku tentang tanda2 Hari Qiamat." Rasulullah menjawab "Tidak akan datang hari Qiamat sehingga seorang hamba melahirkan tuannya sendiri dan kamu akan melihat orang yang miskin dan fakir berebut2 membina gedung2 yang besar."

Setelah mendengar segala penjelasan baginda, pemuda itu berkata "Memang benar kata2 kamu itu wahai Muhammad" dan kemudian beliau pun berlalu meninggalkan jemaah tertanya2. Setelah beberapa ketika Rasulullah berpaling kepada Saidina Umar dan bertanya "Tahukah kamu siapa pemuda yang bertanya itu?" Saidina Umar menjawab "Allah dan Rasul-Nya lebih mengetahui."

Baginda menjawab "Ketahuilah, bahawa pemuda tersebut adalah Malaikat Jibril a.s, yang datang kepada kamu semua untuk mengajar kamu tentang agama kamu. (Islam)"

....antara pegangan dan kehendak..

2007-09-14T00:05:00.000+08:00

Ohhh yeahhh Ramadhan is here! Pintu langit di buka, malaikat turun ke bumi dengan membawa khabar gembira. Walaupun aku sedih, sangat2 sedih, tapi aku pujuk jugak hati aku dengan melihat ke langit. Aku harap sangat yang kat atas tu sayang aku dan tak tinggalkan aku. T.T

Takde ape lagi yang aku bole buat. I have lost her. Lagi skali aku tipu diri aku sendiri.. "Let's be bestfriend!", that is what I've said to her. Tipu lagi. Ustaz dah banyak kali cakap... "Amanah jangan pecah, cakap jangan bohong!" Haihhh.. macam mana nak mintak Tuhan sayang, kalau lidah sendiri tak boleh jaga? Ustaz pesan solat tu bukan berdiri lurus tapi berdiri betul. Apa yang betul? Pegangan kena betul. Cakap jangan bohong. Amanah jangan pecah. Baru berdiri boleh betul. Baru Tuhan sayang. Tapi Tuhan paham, yang aku tengah sakit sangat2, aku nak buat sume orang happy, last2 diri sendiri terkena. Takpa lah, ujian ni berat tapi yang best Dia bagi time2 masuk Ramadhan.

Aku dah start lari daripada semua orang. Aku lari dari kawan2 aku. Aku lari dari family aku. Sbb aku tau dorang akan blame aku. So aku lari. Satu2 nye tempat yang aku tak lari adalah daripada persatuan. Persatuan ape? I'll keep it to myself for now... :p Apa patut aku buat? Aku dah penatlah pura2, faking my smiles, faking my jokes. Balik umah sorang2 jugak jadinye. Kawan ajelah ngan gitar kapok aku (tu pon Fariz bagi) ngan PS2 kesayangan aku tuh. Hahah kembali kepada yang asal. Duduk jadi anti-social *perkataan yang moden dan sopan untuk kera sumbang*

Aku start rindu kat dia. Aku start fikir yang bukan2. Aku mula belajar cemburu. Tapi kenapa? It's over. Cume kadang2 aku fikir, kalau lah mereka2 ni berada kat tempat aku, boleh tahan ke? Boleh buat macam aku ke, faking everything so that nobody knows? Times like this, aku rindu pulak kat Elaine. Yup, the one and only Granny. Selalu kalau aku tepon die mesti makan McD ngan Fariz n Shah haha. Walaupun aku tak luahkan tapi by spending time with them aku lupa masalah aku. Dan sedikit demi sedikit Elaine akan bagi jalan untuk masalah aku. She is not THAT great but hey she has that instinct of a Grandma, errr, I mean, a woman. Hehehe... ^_^;;

I wonder what is she doing right now? She must be sleeping, coz she's been working even on the 1st Ramadhan. Haiya bulan nih arwah pun dapat cuti, tak kene seksa, tapi orang atas muka bumi tatau nak rehat. -_-" Semalam breakfast, things turn out fine, aku sedih tapi aku seronok sangat dapat jumpa dia. Tiba2 dia start meleleh air mata, aku ingatkan kaki dia chagu (ok bad joke..) start cakap die sakit perut. Well aku ingatkan biase punye sakit perut, aku pi lah beli air ngan asam sket, aku balik kat keta tengok die takde dalam keta. Aihh mati2 aku ingatkan dia pi toilet, rupanya dia dah kat tepi keta aku , muntah. Mau tak risau? Nak aje aku papah dia pi klinik tapi nak buat guane, dia taknak. Risau nak mati aku, tatau nak describe guane. So aku hantar die balik, paksa jugak die rest, kalau tak nak pi keje. Gila agaknye nak keje ngan badan sakit. Tuh takpe lagi ni seluar kene muntah. Ngan aku takpelah aku memang tak geli, tapi ngan orang lain? Mau kene pukul ngan programmer sbb bau muntah dalam opis. So daripada dia kene pukul ramai2 lebih baik aku soh die balik rest. Hahah nasib baik aku sempat pegi tempat2 yang aku target hari tuh. Tuh lah kuasa Allah, kita buat menda baik, kita ikhlas, pasti Dia tolong. Agaknye lah kot, kalau bukan Allah sapa lagi boleh tolong aku?

So antara pegangan dengan kehendak, aku pilih pegangan. Sakit, amat2 sakit aku rasa sekarang. Aku tatau ape patut aku buat, aku nak luahkan tapi tak lepas. Mungkin sbb aku sorang2 tatau nak luahkan kat sape. Nak aje aku nangis ke, pukul kucing ke, curik makanan baby ke... tapi nak nangis malu, nak pukul kucing takut kene pukul balik ngan gangster kucing, nak curik makanan baby takut kene pukul ngan bapak baby tuh... So last2 aku tulis blog nih tengah malam, padan muka korang yang baca :P

Baru aku faham kenapa Muhammad S.A.W itu diangkat sebagai Ulul'Azmi, nabi teragung, paling banyak kene test, paling banyak bersabar. Senang cakap baginda adalah makhluk yang paling best, semua makhluk kalah ngan baginda. Why? Bukan hanya sbb baginda tuh khatamun nabiyin, penutup sekalian nabi, tapi sbb banyak kali baginda diuji. Antara Islam dan kehendak baginda. Baginda tetap dengan pegangan baginda walaupun sakit sangat2. Aku faham, dan last2 aku teringin pulak nak jumpa baginda. :p aku tau mustahil, tapi manalah tau...

Sakit sangat2... Allah sahaja yang tahu... T.T

I am missing someone whom I am not suppose to miss. Sorry, but I am missing you T.T

W.H.Y...

2007-09-12T02:41:00.000+08:00

........ I am so messed up. My life is turning upside down in one flick. First there was this freaking thing that happen back there in the office that nearly cost me my job. And it's not even my freaking fault! Then along came another problem... family.

As much as those who is close to me know, I do not have a typical happy malay family. Heck even my dad is not a Malay. Hence the terms 'happy family' does not fit into my life. Plus the way that I screwed up back then realllllyyyy helps me with the relationship. I guess that is why I am really into those who is close to me, be it friend or bestfriend or even that 'special' kinda girlfriend, know wot I'm saying?

She has left me. Not in the way that I imagine, that is. The worst part is that you have no one to blame but yourself. And she has that nice timing, too. Just when I need someone so damn much, she decided to make the move, to pull the switch, to let the noose do the work. It hurts. So much. If only I can let the love go away. Yet it kept on clinging onto my heart, like a big, ugly cancer pulling me down to the ground. Oh wait, here's the best part. Facing these situations alone. Yerp, you heard me boy. A.L.O.N.E. The burden is starting to weight down on me. She left me. Not that I hate her, I don't even blame her. But to think that she.... well let's just say if we switch places she would be pissed off. :P

Now here I am, 3.00am in the morning, blogging away about how I feel right now. I am suppose to lie down on the bed. Usually the time before I, no, WE go to sleep, is OUR time. The time when either one of us call and we talk about what happen during our day. Some are serious, most are hillarious, and the best part is no matter how ugly the day was, it will turn out to be a beautiful day once I've talked to her before I go to sleep. Hence I can sleep soundly. Well you can say that she is my sleeping pills. :P

These things happens because of the mother rejected me due the fact that I do not meet certain criteria. Well I do not blame the mother, she is just protecting the child. But what I learn from someone is that we, as a child, has the ability to prove to our mother that we are choosing the right choice. Life is nothing but choices, and we are the ones who made the move.

Penatlah cakap English. Walaupun aku suruh dia ikut kata2 mak dia, tapi deep down inside aku nak dia buat satu pilihan sendiri, bukan atas pengaruh mana2 pihak. Aku nak dia buang perasaan sayang kat mana2 pihak (termasuk aku) dan pilih berdasarkan akal yang waras. Tapi aku manusia biasa. Aku nak dia pilih aku. Aku nak dia kat sbelah aku. Aku nak dia sayang aku, tolong aku bila aku susah, gelakkan aku bila aku susah gila (haha), dan yang paling penting, ada kat sbelah aku bila aku perlukan dia. Macam yang aku selalu cakaplah, bila aku ader orang yang aku sayang, memang nahaslah orang tuh coz she will be the centre of everything!! :P

Skarang aku baru tau yang lately nih dia ader msg ngan orang lain. Walaupun kawan, tapi hati aku rasa tak best jugak. So skarang aku kene penatkan mata aku sebelum aku tido. Kami dah takder "waktu bersama" lagi. (Hey don't get the wrong idea!) Aku betul2 rindukan dia. Bukan main2, bukan kata2 manis. Tapi perasaan yang.. aku rasa nak ajer terbang pegi kat dia, peluk dia. Tapi kami dah jadi kawan sahaja. Dia dah ada orang lain. "Someone better", that is what my heart told me. Tapi aku... sedih, penat, sakit hati, celaru, bengang, lapar, haus, chagu, nasi lemak etc.. T.T

Kalaulah aku boleh ubah fikiran dia... It's too late. Aku taknak pengaruh apa2 keputusan dia sbb aku nak dia buat keputusan pakai daya sendiri. Aku taknak dia pilih aku just because she loves me (kalau btol lah dia sayang aku). Aku taknak dia susah... tapi skarang macam aku pulak yang susah HAHA.. Memang padan muka aku!

..... I am still in love with her and I don't know how long can I stand these things.. Depression sucks.. Nampaknya aku kene makan ubat tido lagi malam nih... *sigh*

Saya sayang awak lagi... T.T sampai bila aku nak tahan perasaan nih? Kalaulah boleh ada peluang.. T.T

-:Trail of Broken Hearts:-

2007-09-02T14:40:00.000+08:00

It happens again. Time stand stills as I sit in my room, dumb-struck by what had happen. My mom is going into the operation room tomorrow. I hope she'll be fine. She has this some sort of a collection in her backbone, which gave pressure to her spine. She has been suffering from these illness for quite sometime, and as her only son I am quite frustrated due to the fact that I can do nothing but watch. It hurts. I hope she'll get well soon. I kinda miss her...

About US, WE are waiting for a miracle to happen. Thing turns out ugly. Suddenly I felt as if I am being a problem in her live. Don't get me wrong. I did not caused any trouble in her life, I AM THE TROUBLE. Because of me and my stupid ideas, she was scolded by her mother. I should have stop. I shouldn't make the next move. I have caused her grief.

This, plus the fact that my mom is in the hospital, is a great blow to me. And the worst part is that I can do nothing but watch. Watch as my mom helplessly moaning in pain, watch as SHE leaves me be. Being in such a mess is one thing, being in such a mess ALONE is a different thing all-together. Sometimes I do wish that this is all just a big ugly nightmare :P

But seriously, facing such situation alone is one hell-of-a-test. I need her the most now and it hurts to know that she is walking away.. Slowly, but surely, she is leaving me.

To HER whom I love... I am still in love with you, and I miss your laughter, your smiles, your way of making fun of me, your way of making fun of Puan Buncit (!), but most of all, I miss you who gave me strength when everyone else seems to let me down..

Someone please help me remember how to smile again.. T.T

"...with the trail of broken hearts.. flying freee...."

..................

2007-08-19T17:18:00.000+08:00

My mom was hospitalized due to an unknown factor. I dun really know what am I feeling know. It's a sick feeling, in which you are seeing with your own eyes how your mom is suffering yet you cannot do anything aside from praying and hoping that she would get well soon.

Allah is trying to tell us something. Everything is from Him. He is the Al-Mighty, He is the One Giving Ailment and Cure. I seriously hope and pray that she will get well soon.

We are taking one step further. Dalam bala ada nikmat. Thank you sooo much Roslinda and Nazeema. These 2 girls has helped me a lot. Tatau camne nak balas jasa dorang. Hahahaha Iema setan! Kalau ko bace blog nih, aku nak ucapkan terima kasih sbb bersahabat ngan aku... :P and to Roslinda, thank you sooooo much!! Saaaayangg awak!! :P

Nazeema on the left, with Fatimah, her room mate.. hahahah iema setan gilo!

Roslinda and Me @ Bubur.. hahahahahah macam setan!

The blue thing called Spot...

2007-08-12T16:29:00.000+08:00

Hahahahah blogging is good. Blogging is fun.

My job's a hassle. My boss is a being a fucker. Man I wish I could just give him one hell-of-a-punch right on his face. But naahh.. I'll skip it for later.

New friends means new life. I found a new.. well.. 'friend'.. at MISTI. It's an acronym (?) for Minggu Sains Johor. Has one good educative things there, thanks to PetroSains and Auspac.. :P heheheheheh

I'm feeling kinda down lately. I don't know how to express these feelings. But it sucks. Big time. So what did I do? Go to karaoke with my dear Lilo...!! Hahahaha.. gile aku pegi karaoke *benci aku* So I did what I do best.. screw the atmosphere!! :P We sang and laugh like a mad man laughing at the rain.

The YDP of PSSCM CJDT was admitted to HSA due to a heart attack. ALLAH is truly THE GREATEST. The big guy was down on the bed, gasping for breath. How I wish I could help him. And Nazeema's aunt was admitted, too. She was down with diabetes and had to had her leg amputated. I was soooo freaking sad when I visited her but hey, All might belongs to Him, aye? Hope both of these great and strong man and woman can overcome the obstacles.

Ok I admit. I've met someone. She is nice. She is great. She always make me laugh. AND she can accept most of my sarcastic jokes. Hmm... but this is for later, aye? I am beginning to.. well.. getting comfortable around her. Yet, I think problems will arise if I decide to take one step further.. So, like what she said.. "Waiting for a miracle to happen.."

Oh, for those of you who wonder about the title of this post, I have the answer right here ---> I have no idea about the blue thing.. hahah *menang*

Encik Li dan gitar Ibanez nya..

2007-07-29T13:14:00.000+08:00

It's been GREEEAAAATT!!

I went to Herman Li's guitar clinic and it was AWESOME!! He was so freaking fast, but that's about it. He's fast, and he's technical. But when it comes to musical skills, I think he lacks a few finer points here and there. And he plays with his tongue. Man, his wife sure is lucky... :P

I kinda miss someone right now. And it's torturing me. Can't get her out of my mind. Oh.. and I am sick. I can't stand up straight. I can't even perform my solat properly. Man, I must be dying. If I am to die, I hope I'll die handsome :P

Work? Sucks. 'nuff said...

The Monkey Mocha performed at the UTM Battle of the Band yesterday. They were great! But we can't actually hear Shah's guitar, and Fariz forgot his lyrics, but hey! That is how DragonFroce started their band, aye? :P

Those UTM-ians dunno pure talent when they see one.

New job brings new life.

2007-07-08T15:07:00.001+08:00

New job!

I am in the marketing field now. Kinda sucks, considering that my attitude is NOT for the sales line. Yet there I was, walking and selling stuff that is so expensive you can buy a house with it.

Working with a chinese company has it's, well, different atmosphere. You no longer understand what your colleague is talking about (unless, of course, they are speaking in English or Malay), you will feel pressure, and YES, you MUST learn how to use your time well.

Nothing much is there to talk about at my new office. This is because I don't actually STAY in the office, BUT there is one major significant change on my new job. I go home at 1715, that's 5.15pm. I arrive at home roughly around 1730, and I found myself dumb-struck coz I DUNNO WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO!

Hehe.. jogging anyone?

No Topic needed...

2007-06-19T18:47:00.000+08:00

I've heard about "I complaint about not having a shoe, until I met a man with no leg" kinda thing. I think it's an age-old saying. Well believe it or not, it happened to me, literally.

Some of those people from HQ came over to MCM JB today. One of 'em is this Technical' Head of Department. That makes him the boss of every Technical Executives that work under MEPS and MCM. This guy has almost everything. He has a good pay, a house, a dream car, a big family, good job.. U name it, he got it. But... last year he met with an accident and he lost his right leg. Not the up to the knee, but from his thigh. He has no right leg, literally.

Watching him made me feel, well, u know, kinda like, sad. I mean all of us can achieve what we've always wanted, be it a dream car, dream house, lovely spouse, a good job with high salary, but when we are busy chasing these so-called "reason for living", we over-looked the "things that kept us living".. these God-given gift that no one can replace. You cannot just go to a store and buy u'rself a new eyesight, heck even the eye. It is sad coz once u lost these blessings, they are lost. Forever.

So enough about these things. Went to Perlis for the 41st anniversary of Persatuan Seni Silat Cekak Malaysia. Not as big as the 40th anniversary in Ipoh but hey, I've journeyed from south of Malaysia up to the farthest north HOOOO!!! We nearly met an accident, though. -_-" Slept the whole time, I don't have the patient to sit and wait for 12 damn hours in the bus. How I wish i own a PSP... T.T

Life is getting better, or that's how I look at it. I am in the process of forgetting someone, someone whom I should have choose to love long ago. This is the 2nd time I am going through regrets. Regrets of letting her. Trying to call and sms her but she won't reply. I know she hates me. I just know it.

I hate these feelings. I wish she would be here and tell me it's ok. Kinda miss her attitute.. Kesian dier lurus sgt slalu kene sakat dengan aku..

Life goes on now, aye?

Weird People.. T.T

2007-06-03T16:22:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been talking and laughing with a bunch of weird peoples. There are a bunch of weird girls and boys, woman and children who doesn't know just when to stop. I mean come on, you've already commit mistakes, then all you do is bitching about how others are at fault while you are as innocent as a baby. I've been bumping into these kinda person since I was in form 4. Awww man when will this curse stop?

I cannot put the full details here coz there is so much details to put in! Seriously. Let's just say that these kind of people are so egoistic until they can't admit their own fault. They tend to do whatever it takes so that the favor goes to them. What's funnier is that these kind of people tend to say things like "ALLAH tuh Maha Adil" or "Tuhan tu Maha Mengetahui", and then followed by "Tunggu ajelah balasan Allah!" etc.. Allah is Omniscience. This means that HE knows EVERYTHING. In Arabic, one of Allah's Glorious Names is "Al-'Aleem", which means He Who Knows Everything. This is where the word "ilmu", "ulama" derrived from. He is so great that even the word "ilmu" (knowledge) is from His Name. So, this means that EVERYTHING, yes, EVERYTHING, is within His Knowledge, and NONE are from us, unless what He wanted us to know.

By EVERYTHING, I mean that EVERYTHING, INCLUDING THOSE WORDS THAT THESE WEIRD PEOPLE TWISTED, PLOTTED OR WHATEVER THEY DID IN ORDER TO TURN THINGS TO THEIR FAVOR. This is why I say that they are weird. They claimed that Allah Knows Everything and Allah is Just and Swift in the Retribution, but lo and behold, it is they who are on the wrong side! These people are usually afraid to meet people face to face, but rather, they get the help of others. (Others here is those whom they manage to brainwashed and twist to their favor). Problem is I am one of those who are NOT afraid to meet up with these kind of people face to face, EVEN IF I AM ALONE. This is not a bragging statement or whatever, as I know that this kind of attitude tend to lead me to problems. But what can I say? I was taught this way, and those who learn with me will have the same attitude. We are not afraid of these kind of people. You can bring with you the whole world but we are not afraid!! DO NOT SHOW THAT YOU ARE INNOCENT AND USE ALLAH'S NAME WITH IT!! COZ IF I CAN PROVE TO YOU CRYSTAL CLEAR THAT YOU ARE DEAD WRONG, I AM NOT AFRAID TO KICK YOUR ASS TO THE MOON!!

Everyone has their dark side. Just make sure that you are not using ALLAH's name to cover your dark side.

These people didn't know that we are actually laughing at their own stupidity. The stupidity of their action to cover their own ass. They are willing to do EVERYTHING to make people believe that they are innocent. They can fool others, but they can't fool me and my bros. We kept quite, playing dumb so that we can laugh at their stupidity. They think that we kept quite coz they won. I pity them... *sigh*

Am I a physco (the miss-spelled is intentional) magnet?

Left or Right? It's right, right?

2007-05-23T16:17:00.000+08:00

You Are 50% Left Brained, 50% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.
The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

AreYou Right or Left Brained?

(Ripped from Intan's blog)

Check it out!! Balance!! HOOOOO!!! Err.. is this good or bad?

Bangkok Nite! Grand Finale...

2007-05-20T17:15:00.000+08:00

Everything comes in 3. Spider-man has 3 movies. Lord of the Rings has 3 movies. Even The Matrix has 3 movies. So does my Bangkok post. :P

These girls actually dance for us. OMG. Check them out mm'kayy? They are soooo gorgeous. I think I need to find a siamese girl as my wife. Hehehehe...

No pictures were taken during dinner coz we were so damn hungry. It's Bangkok. It's a Buddhist country. Buddhist ate pork. We don't eat pork. Does that ring a bell? :D

Mmmmmmm MILF.... *drool*. She's the personal assistance to Dato'. She's funny, she's rich, she's gorgeous. Best of all.. she's married. :P

Ok this is the ONLY picture we took during dinner. Hahaha we ate our heart out.

We took this picture after we have checked out from the hotel. She is one cute girl. Man if she were to be my wife I would never go out at night again! For real..

This is the replica of the Royal Throne. It's in Suvarnabhumi's Airport.

Ok now I am too freaking lazy to upload any more pictures. Overall, the trip was a success. Everyone was happy. Even for me. Hehehe I wish we could do more activities. And most of the places forbids us from taking pictures. Damn it... T.T

Next trip would be Australia. If I am not mistaken, that is. I hope they won't be cancelling the Australia trip.

All hail King Kero-Kero!

Bangkok Nite! part Deux

2007-05-20T16:42:00.000+08:00

The second day. We went to some of the Gem-Processing thing. I have no idea about the name of the place but we can't take any pictures inside. The picture above is AFTER we went into the place. Notice the guy in green? Yeah. That's me losing my brain after I've lost my cash (in baht :P ) to those pesky sales person. T.T

Those girls welcomed us the moment we sat foot on the ground. After we've bought hell of a gems from them, it won't hurt to take pictures now, does it? Notice the majestic-ly way I sat? That's my alter-ego, King Kero-Kero. :P

That, my friend, is Vivanmek Palace. It's the old palace, and the biggest structure made of teak wood. Due to some security shits, we were not allowed to bring any cameras inside, and we have to leave our phones in a locker.

Uhh... No I am NOT trying to grab hold of the butt. No I am NOT!!

Yup. That's my alter-ego :P

Try to read it in Thai. :P

Hooraayyyy!! We've conquered Vivanmek Palace!! Huhuhuhahahhahahah!!!

The King and his palace. :P

We didn't do anything much really. We've enjoyed ourself too much that we've forgot to take pictures. Later that night, we went on the tuktuk ride. It's something like a motored-trishaw or something like that.

That's the tuktuk. Yelah nampak aurat tak payah lah nak bising!!! T.T

The 3 of us went on it. Damn it sempit sial!! My ass went numb for 3 hours after that. :P

At last Jamal mengalah! Dier pegi naik tuktuk lagi satu!! :P *menang*

The driver took us around Bangkok. Had to pay him 200 baht per tuktuk. Who cares. So'od's paying for us. :P

The girls there are soooo damnn pretty. Not to mention those trannies, too. But in my own humble opinion, it's not suitable for those on a honeymoon. I mean c'mon!! Girls just came up to you and gave you the offer you CAN'T refuse. But I did. Seriously. I mean it. I DID!! T.T

Next post is the last dinner. Something like the last supper, but with more girls. :P

Bangkok Nite!

2007-05-20T15:11:00.000+08:00

On 11th May 2007 we had a very nice trip to Bangkok. Our flight was on 8:45am. I didn't sleep that night. Not because of the excitement, but because of that stupid Okami game which gets on my nerve. Freaking wolf trying to be the sun goddess... T.T

Anyway Teh picked me up at roughly around 6:30am and we went to pick up Ali (what a damn typical Malay name :P ) at one of the McD's outlet near here. After that we went to pick up Ina at her home in Taman U. One hell of an adventure, as the traffic jam is inevitable and Teh's driving skills are like.. uhh.. let's just say that my mom drove better than him. :P

Us @ Senai Airport.

Went on the plane on time. Arrived at LCCT roughly 45 minutes after take-off. We were sitting duck for about 4 hours before our flight to Bangkok. Nothing much happened there, except that we all sits on the floor enjoying our hearty breakfast of Nasi Ambang courtesy of So'od.

Ali, Teh and your's truly.

Bangkok was nice! I mean seriously, I think it's more modernized than Johor Bahru. Well you can't blame them. It's Thailand's capital city, aye? And check this out : Bangkok's real name is not really Bangkok. Confused? The original name for the city is Krung Thep Maha Nakhon, which translated as "Kota Maha Dewa" in Malay. Sounds cool, huh? 2nd fact, that is just the short name for the REAL name of the city. The real name?

Krungthep Mahanakhon Amonrattanakosin Mahintharayutthaya Mahadilokphop Noppharatratchathani Burirom-udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amonphiman Awatansathit Sakkathattiya Witsanu Kamprasit.

"The city of angels, the great city, the eternal jewel city, the impregnable city of God Indra, the grand capital of the world endowed with nine precious gems, the happy city, abounding in an enormous Royal Palace that resembles the heavenly abode where reigns the reincarnated god, a city given by Indra and built by Vishnukam"

For some reason, the word 'Dewa' is given the meaning of 'Angels' here. I have no freaking idea why.

The Angel?

This is what greeted us once we've arrived at Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok. There are 4 other statues like this, one with a different colours. One main problem here in Bangkok is that most of the people can't speak English. Even if they could, it's very, very, very broken and you would have to have the patients of a teacher to at least know what the heck they are saying. This is because Thailand was never occupied, and so the people really uphold their tradition. A very contrast situation to us Malaysians, as most of us are trying to be a Punk or a Satanist. No hard feelings now, aye?

Then it's just another typical trip. THe best part is the dinner. We went on a cruise which cruises across Bangkok along god-knows-the-name-of-the-river. The cruise name is Chao Praya Princess. I guess the river is Chao Praya? O.o

The cruise was cool!! Hey it rhymes.. uhh.. anyway.. it really has this cool atmosphere.. well.. you know.. uhh..

This is Jamal and me. Yeah we were doing that gay shit on board. Who the hell cares? Thailand is a free country now aye? heheh

OMG there is so much to write.... Let's just put photos now aye?

Me and Teh

Me, Jamal and So'od

This is MY fav!! It's like me and my pet dragon Lulu.. Oh Lulu I miss you.. T.T

With those Shah Alam girls... :P

Jazz anyone?

Will return with the 2nd post. We went to the palace HOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Melodies of Life.. :P

2007-04-27T12:27:00.000+08:00

Melodies of Life
Emiko Shiratori
OST Final Fantasy IX

Alone for a while I've been searching through the dark
For traces of the love you left inside my lonely heart
To weave by picking up the pieces that remain
Melodies of life--love's lost refrain

Our paths they did cross, though I cannot say just why
We met, we laughed, we held on fast, and then we said goodbye
And who'll hear the echoes of stories never told?
Let them ring out loud till they unfold
In my dearest memories, I see you reaching out to me
Though you're gone, I still believe that you can call out my name

A voice from the past, joining yours and mine
Adding up the layers of harmony
And so it goes, on and on
Melodies of life,
To the sky beyond the flying birds--forever and beyond

So far and away, see the bird as it flies by
Gliding through the shadows of the clouds up in the sky
I've laid my memories and dreams upon those wings
Leave them now and see what tomorrow brings

In your dearest memories, do you remember loving me?
Was it fate that brought us close and now leaves me behind?

If I should leave this lonely world behind
Your voice will still remember our melody
Now I know we'll carry on
Melodies of life
Come circle round and grow deep in our hearts
As long as we remember

I am so sorry!!

2007-03-11T11:29:00.000+08:00

I am so sorry Elaine! I was forced to do it! It ain't my fault! U know I won't lie to my old grandmama now, aye? T.T

10.3.2007, Shah has met with an accident. Called up Elaine. She came to the Hospital, controlling her so-called nacho-libre, I mean, macho-ness thang. We talked to her, explain to her how chronic and serious Shah was, and she started to have 'em WATERY EYES. We try to cool her down, telling her to pray for our dear friend. We ushered (btol ker aku eja nih?) her to Danga Bay, talked things over. It seems that Shah has been acting up real strange and our dear Ms Eliana didn't notice the difference. Poor Eliana. She was feeling rather guilty, full of remorse. She even notice that Shah gave her a lil present. She must be pretty tied up inside. We were quite angry at her, she knew Shah didn't have enough sleep, and he was pretty mad at his discussion group. She didn't stop him from going back to JB.

Eliana's face was full of tears and mucus from her nose. We can see how sad, how guilty, how remorse she must have felt. Suddenly, miracles happen. An unknown person walked up slowly behind her and touched her shoulder lightly, telling her to "Sabarlah ni kan dugaan". She turns to look, and LO AND BEHOLD, SHAH'S STARED BACK AT HER WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE. An angel? A demon? Nenek Kebayan? Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam? Puteri Gunung Ledang? Nope. It's just US PLAYING A SICK PRANK ON OUR GRANNY, MS. ELIANA TAKBIR.

HAHA GRANNY LU KENA BEB!!!

After that it was full of laughters, and of course we were SERIOUSLY scared of our granny suddenly turned into a super-saiya, limit-break, trance, thing. Maybe her bar went up to the max and she uses the desperation move. Down Back Down Forward + Heavy Punch. Started the chasing scene. Thank God I didn't get that super-deadly-hellish-angelic-holy-Crabby Punch. I'm telling ya. I prefer to die by Ghost Rider's Penance Stare rather than living with Eliana's Crabby Punch scar on my body.

All's well end's well. Just to tell her how much we all LOVED her! And also to teach her how to at least APPRECIATE THOSE AROUND U, AS 'LATER' MIGHT BE TOO LATE. A lesson everyone should learn and understand. Eliana's lucky she learned it this way. Others learn it the hard way. T.T

What kind of sick fuck are we anyway, hanging out at the hospital's A & E? Oh and we are proud of ourselves, aye Fariz? We are like THE partner in crime.. Bonny and Clyde, urm.. who's gonna be Clyde?

Happy Birthday Granny. Hell of a birthday present now, aye? :P

I AM BACK!

2007-03-04T22:08:00.000+08:00

Yes! I am back! HOOOOOOO!!!

Entered 2007 the same way I've entered 2006... Nothing much is new.. Except of course I've found new friends, (BAYAH BAYAM IS THE SIS EVER!! :P) and those long-lost friends...

One of my bestfriend really hurt me. And to top up the pain, I didn't do anything now, aye? I mean... I didn't intentionally hurt her feelings or something like that. I dunno what have got into her.... maybe she watched too many movies?

Oh! Oh! I've furthered my study in UiTM Melaka. Met new friends there. They are a bunch of to-old-to-study man and woman trying to set things right, just like me. Education is a must. Nowadays people just by the papers u possess, not the skills. You can be such a fuck but when u run around telling those interviewers u got a master, u'll get u'r self a job.

Trying to beat Dragon Quest 8 and Rogue Galaxy. Can't wait for God Of War 2 to be released. Oh I've borrowed a black Ibanez Gio from Topek, Bayah's lil bro. Abeh lah aku dapatkan sume lead lagu. Let's start with Crazy by Aerosmith... I go crazy.. crazy.. crazy.. for u babi... I mean.. baby...

Supreeemeeee!!!!

2006-12-10T20:17:00.000+08:00

Supreme

Robbie Williams

Oh it seemed forever stopped today
All the lonely hearts in London
Caught a plane and flew away
And all the best women are married
All the handsome men are gay
You feel deprived

Yeah are you questioning your size?
Is there a tumour in your humour,
Are there bags under your eyes?
Do you leave dents where you sit,
Are you getting on a bit?
Will you survive
You must survive

When there's no love in town
This new century keeps bringing you down
All the places you have been
Trying to find a love supreme
A love supreme

Oh what are you really looking for?
Another partner in your life to
abuse and to adore?
Is it lovey dovey stuff,
Do you need a bit of rough?
Get on your knees

Yeah turn down the love songs that you hear
'Cause you can't avoid the sentiment
That echoes in your ear
Saying love will stop the pain
Saying love will kill the fear
Do you believe
You must believe
When there's no love in town
This new century keeps bringing you down
All the places you have been
Trying to find a love supreme
A love supreme

I spy with my little eye
Something beginning with (ah)
Got my back up
And now she's screaming
So I've got to turn the track up
Sit back and watch the royalties stack up
I know this girl she likes to switch teams
And I'm a fiend but I'm living for a love supreme

When there's no love in town
This new century keeps bringing you down
All the places you have been
Trying to find a love supreme
A love supreme

Come and live a love supreme
Don't let it get you down
Everybody lives for love

HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aku dengar Robbie Williams siott!!! What next? T.T buang tebiat ker aku nih?? T.T

Happy Burstday,

2006-11-12T19:34:00.000+08:00

It's my burstday on 11th of November... Cool... :P

Nothing much on my birthday... I got a few cards, MCM JB bought a chocolate cake for me (we ate it between intervals of our Ms Excel course) and I got a pair of boxers courtesy of my Rai. n.n;;

Still wasting my life on my PS2 albeit Final Fantasy XII, wanted to go out with 'em guys but they are busy with their exam. Well, at least Shah and Elaine are damn busy with their exams, while Fariz is busy doing his masters.. huhuhahahha

MCM JB actually forced me to participate in some Ms Excel Intermediate course on my birthday. Dangg... later that day we went to BNM JB's branch manager, En. Aziz's open house. Damn his house is damn huge! Situated at the Straits View, his house LITERALLY has the Straits of Tebrau's view. T_T

And finally I can play HALF of the Final Fantasy X's ending theme on the guitar. God damn it it's freaking simple!! T_T

I miss u guys. Where the hell are u all damn it???!!!!! Biler nak pegi makan bubur lagiii???

Priceless....

2006-10-29T19:31:00.000+08:00

Ashe The Princess : Belias is the King Raithwall's treasure. The price for such a power is unmeasureable

Balthier The Sky Pirate : Call me old-fashion, but I prefer a treasure we could measure.

-Final Fantasy XII-

I've been busy with Final Fantasy XII. It's draining my life force. I have no time to drink, to eat, or even to make love. The only time I have is with my friends in the jamming studio.

I dunno if I'm suppose to feel happy for getting a chance to play such a perfect game, or to be scared of dying in front of my TV with the PS2 controller in my hand.

-_-"

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI to all who knows me, be it friend or foe. Hari kemenangan untuk semua, HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Songs and Music and Stuff...

2006-10-11T01:21:00.000+08:00

I ripped this from Boey's blog. You guys should try it out. Hehehhe..

Instructions:
1.) Put your music player on shuffle
2.) Press forward for each question.
3.) Use the song title as the answer to thequestion.
4.) NO CHEATING!!!

The questions and my answers:

1.) How am I feeling today? Warmen - Somebody's Watching Me (........)

2.) Where will I get married? Mr. Big - Wild World

3.) What is my best friend’s theme song? Children of Bodom - Angels Don't Kill (Uhh.. Fariz and Shah should check this out.. :P)

4.) What is/was highschool like? Metallica - For Whom The Bell Tolls (Recess? Hehehehe.. )

5.) What is the best thing about me? Metallica - Until It Sleeps (Uh... )

6.) How is today going to be? Jeff Becks - 'Cause We End As Lovers.

7.) What is in store for this weekend? Final Fantasy X OST - Ending Themes

8.) What song describes my parents? Stevie Ray Vaughan - Riviera Paradise (Rite..)

9.) How is my life going? Skid Row - Only Seventeen (WoooHooooo!!!)

10.) What song will they play at my funeral? Paul Gilbert - Hawking ( O.o )

11.) How does the world see me? Stone Temple Pilot - Plush (..... huh?)

12.) What do my friends really think of me? Cradle of Filth - Nymphetamine (HELL YESSS!!!!)

13) Do people secretly lust after me? Ihsahn - Called by The Fire (Who? Me?)

14.) How can I make myself happy? Metallica - Whiskey In The Jar (Heyy!! I dun drink... -_-" .. but the song does makes me smile.. :D)

15.) What should I do with my life? Eric Clapton - Let it Rain (Rite.... )

16.) Will I ever have children? Pearl Jam - Yellow Ledbetter ( x.x )

17.) What is some good advice? Cradle of Filth - Malice Through The Looking Glass ( ? )

18.) What do I think my current theme song is? Eric Johnson - Cliff of Dovers (Heh Nice one..)

19.) What does everyone else think my current life? U2 - With or Without You (Can't live with.. or without me?? Hey.... )

20.) What type of men/women do you like? Rotting Christ - Shades of Evil (Evil girl? Hell no!! Evil Angle (yes, Angle, not Angel) is enough!!)

21.) Will you get married? Led Zeppelin - Since I've been Loving You (*sigh*)

22.) What should I do with my love life? Children Of Bodom - If you want peace.. Prepare for war (hehehehe... sounds logical enough.. )

23.) Where will you live? Paul Gilbert - Bumblebee

24.) What will your dying words be? Cradle of Filth - Satanic Mantra (HELL NO!! HEY.. I dun wanna end up in Hell, aye? Shessh... guys help me.. T.T )

25.) When im having sex i say.. Rolling Stones - Sympathy for the devil (?)

26.) When I meet a guy/girl for the first time i say.. Stevie Ray Vaughan - Lenny (Who the hell.. )

27.) When my parents are angry i say.. Jimi Hendrix - Machine Gun (LOL)

*lie down with foam in mouth* Freaking funny, and scary too... O.o

Complete this, aye?

2006-09-17T12:33:00.000+08:00

Complete This Sentence ???
(ripped from Berry's blog. :P)

i am not: perfect
i hurt: myself to see how much I bleed
i love: no one
i hate: those who hurt me
i fear: The Most Merciful One...
i hear: voices in my head
i crave: for freedom
i regret: hurting people
i cry: every night...
i care: about someone...
i always: love her
i long to: be free
i feel alone: all the time
i listen: to voices in my head
i hide: my psychotic ego
i drive: my family's car
i sing: when I'm sad or happy
i dance: on my enemy's sorrow

i write: my part of life
i breathe: His air
i play: guitars and myself.. :P

i miss: no one
i search: for His Grace
i learn: from Ustaz Ishak Itam
i feel: sorrow and gloomy
i know: that all death are certain

i say: i love you when i mean it
i succeed: in hurting myself
i fail: to be the perfect person
i dream: about my freedom
i sleep: alone
i worry: about my economy
i have: a broken heart
i give: my heart to others
i fight: for what i believe in

i wait: for my turn to be free.....
i need: a decent meal
i am: another pathetic person who walks the earth
i think: about it all the time....
i can't help the fact that: my heart was smash to bits..
i stay: in Johor Bahru.. damn it...

Fixing @ 1%

2006-09-12T19:52:00.000+08:00

Waking up early in the morning, I have no thoughts whatsoever. Empty is my head. Walking straight to the toilet, doing normal things that I did for the past few years. Brush my teeth. Shower. Put some clothes. Breakfast. Go to work.

As I stare my pathetic self in front of the mirror, I saw something's wrong with myself, and I wonder, what? I still have my eyes, though it's still swollen and red, but it's still there. I still have my nose, and my mouth. Could it be my tongue? Or my teeth? I open my smelly mouth and looked closely inside of it. Still there. Pinky tongue and not-so-white teeth are still there, hanging on. I still have my arms. My fingers are all intact, along with the nails. My body's still normal (not perfect, mind you.. :P). But wait... Could it be? Awwww shucks... I looked down between my thigh. Yup. Still there, old buddy. We've dated back in 11th November 1982, and I never parted with my old buddy since. Still there. Still hanging on.

I took my bath normally, still thinking about the missing thing. After doing all the washing and cleaning, I put on my robe and took my ablution. Then, on my way to my prayer mat, I realize the missing part of my body. My heart.

Yup, checking on it, it's still there. But not as it use to be. It used to be strong and full of love and happiness and whatever shit u called it. Now it's nothing but dust. Like a sand that went straight through your fingers.

Yup. It's broken.

100% broken.

Here I am, sitting and typing with tears clogging up my eyes. How do I fix this broken heart-o'-mine? Then something hit me. Why don't I ask HIM who gave me a heart in the 1st place? It is HE who commands the earth and the heavens. But would He mend it for me? It's totally broken, this heart. Used to be filled with love, now it's nothing but a strand of sands. Now I'm full of hatred, emptiness, darkness, and sorrow. Will He fix this heart before it gets washed away by the sea of sorrow?

Dear Allah, I'm sorry that I didn't take good care of this heart that You gave me. This heart is one of the best thing that You ever gave to me. It has helped me to feel joy, love, cherished, kindness, sadness etc. But I'm so sorry. It's broken. And I'm sorry I can't fix it. I can't mend it. I didn't mean to brake it all apart like this. I'm so sorry.

Dear Allah, can You fix this heart before it gets washed away by the sea of sorrow, PLEASE?

T.T

Heaven...

2006-09-10T01:37:00.000+08:00

Heaven Knows
Rick Price

She's always on my mind,
From the time i wake up
'till i close my eyes
She's everywhere i go
She's all i know

Though she's so far away
It's just keeps getting stronger
Every day
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on

So tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find their way
Only heaven knows
And all i can do is hope and pray
'cause heaven knows

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I'll know she's mine

So tell me where do i start
'cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Why i live in despair
'cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
And all these time i act so brave
I'm shaking inside

Why does it hurt me so??

S.O.S

2006-09-06T00:49:00.001+08:00

TRUST
Megadeth

Lost in a dream
Nothing is what it seems
Searching my head
For the words that you said

Tears filled my eyes
As we said our last goodbyes
The sad scene replays
Of you walking away

My body aches from mistakes
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
That in nothing we trust

Time and again
She repeats let's be friends
I smile and say yes
Another truth bends,
I must confess

I try to let go, but I know
We'll never end 'til we're dust
We lied to each other again
But I wish I could trust

My body aches from mistakes
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
That in nothing we trust

God help me please, on my knees
Betrayed by lust
We lied to each other so much
Now there's nothing we trust

How could this be happening to me
I'm lying when I say, "Trust me"
I can't believe this is true
Trust hurts
Why does trust equal suffering

Absolutely nothing we trust

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

If only.. If only I could turn back the hands of time... My hours are numberless, my days are gloomy....

Funny, funny how one should have to go on suffering, when everyday I pray with all my might.. "Please come back to me...". Words are meant nothing. Feelings were hurt. Hearts were broken. And life will never be the same again. Can't the world see? She was my world, my heart, my soul. Without her, I lost my will to carry on. I've always been a fighter, but without her, I just gave up. The emptiness is filling me again. How can I go on my life without her by my side?

I miss her laugh. I miss her frown. I miss her yellings. I miss her hugs. I miss her kisses. I miss her "I love u tapi" messages. I miss her "Sayang, windu" messages. I miss the times when I hafta console her for hurting her. I miss her uncontrollable laugh. I miss the way she hugs me when I finished working late. I miss the smile when she said "It's ok if u smell. I love u the way u are." I miss her.

Her.

She was everything to me. Now everything is gone. My world is empty. Love is gone.

Love is dead...

And I wish I could follow it...

Please make the playback stop.....

I love you... I'm sorry for all the things that I've said. I've been such a bad person.

God have mercy on me, 'cause I know I don't...

Come Crawling Faster!!

2006-08-20T22:08:00.000+08:00

........

Emotionally unstable. And it's proven that I can't think straight. *sigh*

And now thanks to Pejal, no more jamming2 for me.. at least.. not like it use to be... Fucking bassist toying with my emotion.. I'ma slit his throat..

I can only tell people how to look at things in a positive way, but I can't force them to think like that. This is the fact that I hafta live for the rest of my live, which reminds me of the story of Muhammad s.a.w. He was the greatest person ever walk the earth, yet he himself can't convert his beloved uncle into Islam. Talk about irony...

Went to UTMJB yesterday with Fariz HG, Elaine the Grandma, My Rai and Tick2... Yup.. THE Tick2 whose name I'll pronounce TETEK.. *scratches head* Anyway.. we went there to watch this so-called Battle of the Band, if you can actually call it Battle of the Band. All I see is a few morons making a fool of themselves on the stage singing 'Pieces' by Sum 41 WITH THE LYRICS ON HIS FUCKING HAND!!!! For the love of God, shoot him please!! @.@

Anyway life has it's twist and turns. It's amazing how people can easily ask for a break-up without thinking about the consequences, the chain reaction to that move. Yeah, to all those who knew me long enough, you'll remember the time when I'm a 'chess-freak'. And I'm still a chess-freak!! :P Point is, I tend to think like when I'm in a game.. ahead of time, positional thing, sacrifice, perfect combination... Hence I can't really let the time solve my problem or heal my pain. This is why I hate myself sometimes. I envy those who could just sleep away their problem, who could just let time heal everything.

*sigh*

I need help. -_-"

.....MasTeR!!!

2006-07-30T01:09:00.000+08:00

Ok, I'm sitting here in front of the damn PC at 1:00am in the fucking morning wearing my blue 'baju melayu' WITH a 'samping' AND a 'songkok'. Why? Because I'm fucking waiting for the fucking keys to this cyber-cafe...

How bad can this situation be, aye? *sigh*

Just got home from BNM/MCM dinner at Puteri Pacific Hotel (previously Pan Pacific Hotel). Dinner's ok. Nothing much happened except that I finished a hefty amount of prawns and chicken single-handedly WITH a chopstick. Yep. They went "WTF Aloi can uses chopsticks?" (oh, btw, they call me 'Aloi' at the office), and all I said was "Uhhh.. my dad's a chinese, remember?". Ignorance is bliss. :D

No jamming this week. I think this explains the bad mood that I'm feeling this week. Fucking bassist got a fewer. Got damn it he's fucking huge for God's sake! An abomination, even! Can't even fight a damn fever! I know.. I know.. it's not MY band but for the love of God I am part of the jam session!! I played the fucking guitar God damn it! I even did that Shaolin Guitar Techniques and that Tantra Exercise, those that could strenghten u'r finger.. Hell I even practise some licks for that 18 bar song called Little Wings. And all I get was "Jamming canceled. Pejal demam". Now I'll hafta wait for another week to get my hands on the fretboard.. That no-good Pejal... !&^@&*($*(@#&^$%^$^ T_T

Oh, and I have a story. There's this guitarist, a cool one. He's my friend. Hell of a guitarist. Then one day he woke up and said "I wanna be Mike Portnoy". GOD DAMN IT SHAH PLAY U'R GUITAR DAMN IT!! :P

I'll be going to Langkawi next week. Yay! *prepares stuff* And thanks to Boey and Fariz for giving me the Hard Gay thingamajie. God damn it that's soo funny I wish I'm ga- .... Uhhh.. forget I said anything..

-_-"

It's already 1:20am and this CC is STILL ON BUSINESS.... God Help Me.. T_T

Devil May Cry

2006-07-23T21:26:00.000+08:00

Do love really change people?

Do you accept people because of who they are, or do you accept him/her bad attitude mainly because of love?

If your girl/boy turn up late for your dinner, would you smile and say "Hey it's ok, people make mistakes", or would you frown and refuse to say a word?

If your friend did the same, would you reply with the same answer?

Love has the power to change perception. To change the way of seeing things. To change people. To change the world. Make the devil cry...

Love is scary if u ask me..

p/s 3 cheers for my bestest friend in the world, Ms. Lilo @ Aziyana for finding her Mr. Right!!

::Lingua Problemo::

2006-07-09T18:12:00.000+08:00

There's this serious problem regarding this cyber cafe I'm helping out. There a a bunch of these Vietnamese people lurking around the CC, and the number grew larger, probably 'coz of the new webcam P.E installed. Problem is out of 10 Vietnamese, only 1 or 2 could speak English or Malay. Imagine the problem I have if i wanted to tell them to check their YM's password.

Better yet, they don't even fucking know how or what 'RM 2.00' means. All they do is took out their freaking wallet and shove it to me, asking me to take the mysterious 'RM 2.00' from 'em. They're lucky I'm honest. *finger cross* No.. seriously..

You can tell them to fuck their momma in malay and all they do is stand there smiling that grin at u'r face... and that's not all. They have the high percentage of playing their local songs out loud, turning this heavenly MySAS Cyber Cafe into some MySAS Vietnam Hooker Parlour. God knows where do they obtain their 'rare' songs...

This is me and my girl. Oh, ignore that Ju-On kinda girl on da background. At 1st I was shocked to see this picture, thinking that maybe I just capture the supernatural creature on my phone, then I realize it's just my friend Tick-Tick (yes, we actually call her that.. and I dun even know why.. @.@) busy doing some sms-ing with her friend.. Damn it Tick2 dun do that!!!

Oh, I'ma having my dinner. Been so damn busy I hardly have time to jack of--, I mean, have my dinner.. aha.. ahahaha.. n.n;;

p/s I love the girl in the picture... both of 'em.. *runs away from Rai's deadly pinches*

::Sibu Island::

2006-05-28T13:31:00.000+08:00

Sibu Island!!!!! Muahahahahahah!!!!!!

The trip to Sibu Island were GREAT!! Maybe it's the 1st time ever that I followed my colleagues to such a trip. Everything was great.. the boat trip.. the weather.. the sun, the sea, the sand...

And I've touch a 'gamat', sea-cucumber, too bad those guys didn't bring their cameras... darn it!!!

And we also took this picture, idea and setting are from So'od, the person in the middle.... We named this picture.. "Orang-Orang Kaya Simantan"..

::Orang-Orang Kaya Simantan::

Haha! Posing macam orang kaya.. KIMAK!! Poyo nak mampos... :P

::The MaGiCaL HanD oF...

2006-05-26T20:51:00.000+08:00

There are countless and countless miracle of ALLAH that has spread through HIS land..
But none of His creature could compare to one, fragile yet very strong, in fact one of the strongest, hand in the world..

That hand that helped me through thick and thin...

....held me when I'm scared in the middle of the night..

....wiped my tears when I'm crying...

....held me when it seems like the world is against me...

....protected me when I was a baby, and still protecting me though I'm strong enough to protect myself..

....feed me...

....slapped me...

....pinched me...

....taught me about the lessons of life...

....would bleed for me...

....never ever rejected me, though I sometimes rejected it...

....which belongs to one woman..

A woman... A mother....

MY mother..

She may never read this, and I'm too egoistic to tell her myself...

But I love you, Mummy. People may think that I'm "mama's boy". Let them talk! All the money and glory in the world could never repay back what she has done for me. Thank you Mummy.

Happy Belated Mother's Day. The hand that rocks the cradle, rocks the world....

.:SoLiTaRy SheLL::

2006-05-14T16:13:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since I last wrote my stuff here.

Why, oh why, does Love accompanied by Jealousy? Did they made a pack, long before humans walked the earth? I, myself, felt that jealousy is a burden. It's something that I wish I could cast away.

Jealousy.

It's because of it that The Great Lucifer (or Azazil) fell from the highest level to the lowest level of creature, thus taking the name Satan (or Iblis). And because of it, the first murder was done by Prophet Adam's sons. It seems like jealousy is always in a human's heart.. no.. it's a PART of the human's heart. It's a burden, so heavy that I can't bear it anymore.

Love.

Another of God's marvelous creation. Because of it, we were born. Because of it, we were fed. Because of it, we were able to breath, talk, eat, laugh, cry, etc. But, with Jealousy tagging along, is Love a blessing from above, or a deadly curse, cast upon mankind for their mischievious way?

I dunno. Love is both. A curse and a blessing.

Such is the miracle of God.

T_T

2006-04-09T16:14:00.000+08:00

I'm too dumb-struck to post here.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

Why does trust equal suffering?

God help me.

::The Journey::

2006-04-02T12:34:00.000+08:00

I stand at the majestic gate, looking forward at what lies ahead of me. The roaring of the metal beasts approach my ear. They looked at me, wondering what am I doing standing in front of the gate. They, didn't know the burden I'm carrying. The time has come. I must start my journey, else everything shall be in vain.

As I walked through the perilious terrains, the sky flashed. Even the Heavens are against my quest. But my heart is set. I will, I MUST, complete what I've started.

The Heavens started to pour out it's content. A drip, then a drop.. The next thing I know the skies are falling, drop by drop. I held on to my only shield. Countless of humans, from the dark-coloured skin to the most fairest of them all, runs for their lives. Did I bring these upon mankind?

As I journeyed through the land, I've stumbled upon countless traps. It seems that even the Earth are against my journey. Will this stop my quest? NEVER! A puny trap won't stop me!

I manage to dogde the traps laid down for me. Here, alas, I stand in front of the gigantic building. Inside dwells hundreds and hundreds of people of all colours, all with their purpose. I don't know if I manage to outcome them all, but I MUST! With sheer bravery, I stepped into the vortex...

People are around me. With my luck (which is at 255), I manage to walk in stealth. The coldness is biting me. I can't feel my leg anymore. But I must continue on! I can see my objective. I MUST complete this!

After the perilious journey, I stand in front of him. The person I MUST speak to to fulfill my quest, my DESTINY....

"Wah, Kingdom Hearts 2 English sudah kluar! Ini baru sampai.."

"OK! Satu aaahh.."

"Lu jalan dalam hujan sebab mau beli ini game kaaa? Itu Square-Enix musti sayang lu punya loohh.. heheheh.. Lima ringgit.."

MIAHAHAHA AKU DAH DAPAT DAH KINGDOM HEARTS 2!!!!

::The TimE HaS ComE...::

2006-03-13T19:54:00.000+08:00

As I lay on my bed, tears flow from my eyes. The memories replayed through my mind. My first toys, first bike-ride, first hug, first kiss.. everything. Tears flow from my eyes, as I remember the first field trip. The memories keep on coming back, like a teather playing and playing on my mind. I can see the face of my lovely mother, my dear father, my cute sisters..

Then I saw IT. The being, the creature of the dark. He stood there. Waiting. Anticipating. No sudden movement. No movement. Just standing still. He looked at me, with a weird face. The face that tells you that he had seen more than what he had bargained for.

Then he moved.

Closer, and closer. As he draws himself near to me, I felt my stomach squirming, as if to tell me to run. But I'm not afraid, neither am I happy. Hollow. Emptiness filled my heart.

Then I remember her.

She's the one that came closer to my heart. The 4th the 3 womans in my life. She's not the most beautiful creature I've ever laid my eyes on. But she's the most magnificent human being that God ever sent to me.

But I've let her down.

Again, tears sprung from my eyes, as the memories, our memories, replayed back in my mind. I remember as I first lay my eyes on her. I remember as we first talked. Then we became close. The memories keep on replaying, as HE drew near. I scream under my breath, "STOP!" but HE just ignore it. "STOP! I miss her... please..." I said, but HE just smile at me. Then my heart is filled with something.

Regret.

The thought of facing this alone. She's not here for me, for she hates me more than she hates her high-school enemies. She, the best thing God ever send to me, hates me.

"I miss her. Give me a chance!"

He stood besides me.

"Will she give u a chance?".

I'm dumbstruck. HE finally spoken, and the words cut through my heart, like the wind that cut through the leaves. My heart's shaking. SHE hates ME!! The truth has come. She's the true love for my heart. The HE said "It's time". I close my eyes and prayed hard that she would be here, beside me. Wishes never came true...

I felt the pain, the numbness. The feeling came from my toes, and make it's way north. As the pain and numbness crawl unto me, the memories, our memories, replayed. Our first date, our first kiss, our first tears, our first laughter. Everything is replayed. I wish for the memories to stop, as the pain of losing someone so dear is much more unbearable than the numbness that I felt..

As the feeling crept on my chest, I finally remember HIM. The Imperial Majesty. The Lord of the Universe. He Who Commands The World and The After-World. As I sprung my final tears, I ask for HIS Forgiveness. I ask HIM, please open up her heart so that she'll forgive me too.

The creature just stood before me. The sands of time has finally ran out. The pain is excruciating. I missed her. I missed her touch. Her kisses. Her words. Her smile. I missed the whole her. I'm sorry, but I've let u down, Sayang.

With one, final breath, I admit, with whole-heartedly, that there is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.

The it hit me! The sound of an alarm. I woke up. It's a dream. No, it's a nightmare. And yet I found out that I missed my Sayang more than I missed anyone else. I looked around, and I saw HIM. The entiti of death. The one who'll take u away from the world of illusion. He smile at me. The first lesson of LIFE and LOVE is over. With a smile he said..

"I'll be back..."

...MonKey MocHa!!::

2006-03-04T21:22:00.000+08:00

No one there..
Sentenced

The axe, the bottle, and the rope
The feeling there really is no more hope
The thought of the great unknown
And facing it alone
The dark, the silent, and the cold
The feeling I have come to the end of my road
Yes these are the things I spend my remaining moments with

And the wind blows through my heart
Shivers me one last time
As I now reach out in the dark
No one there

Why did it have to be so hard
For us to live our lives
Again I reach out in the dark in despair

The desperation and the snow
The feeling of finally coming back home
The melancholy and the hole in the soil so hard and cold

Your love for me, my love for you
Things we somehow managed to lose
Now there's only the ruthless wind
To blow right through
If freezes my heart, my desperate heart
If freezes my heart, my desperate heart
If freezes my heart, my desperate heart
To think we both will die alone

----------------------------------------------------------------

ok i dunno why do i post this song. I'm feeling kinda depressed. It's like everyone is blaming me for everything. EVERYTHING. I can't do this, can't do that. What they are my mom now? C'mon, I'm nobody's bitch, eh? Most people do this kinda thing for one, pathetic reason - LOVE. Yeah u heard me. Pathetic. Why? Because I'm not their husband! And to make things worst, I'm not even their boyfriend! O_O

It's my fault we broke up. It's my fault she falls in love with a person she doesn't love. It's my fault that I'm telling her what's rite and what's wrong. It's my fault that I'm trying to move on. It's my fault.. sheeshh.. Sometimes I think they are taking advantage of me.

I hate this. The centre of all things. I am to be blame? For the love of God why don't u just shoot me rite on the head? OK the upper head... not the lower ones.. I mean c'mon, I used to be in her shoe. I adore her, but she won't accept me. Things change. The table has turn. God is Most-Fair. I didn't ask for all this shit to happen. I just wish that they would stop, for once, stop, blaming me for all this shit. I miss my cupcake, my Ms. Brainy. She told me that if a person truly loves u, that particular person would wish for your happiness, and won't try to ruin it. I think she's rite. Thank you Ms. Brain. We've secretly been contacting through SMS. She helped me a lot. And it's weird, too. She's not even my friend. At least, that's what she told me. She's just... someone. Yeah.. someone that I know. She felt the same way towards me too. I'm just, someone, that she knew. But to tell the truth, she's someone dear to me. She helped me a lot. I dun think I would sit here if she weren't there, comforting me. Thank you Brain. So, what are we gonna do tomorrow night, Brain? :p

Got a new addiction. Monkey Mocha. Yeah. U heard me. Monkey Mocha. It sounds kinda stupid (especially if it's a band's name.. :P) but hey, it tasted better than my friend's so-called iced milo.

I'm depress. I need to cool things off. Ah yesterday's jam session was kewl. Finally we got to play Nymphetamine. Though it didn't exactly sound like Cradle of Filth but hey, try to play it motherfucker!

::i"ma MonsTeR?::

2006-03-01T04:31:00.000+08:00

Your Monster Profile

Lethal Enigma

You Feast On: Hot Dogs

You Lurk Around In: Nude Beaches

You Especially Like to Torment: Cops

What's Your Monster Name?

-.-"

I have nothing to say about this...

::Onimusha : Dawn of Dreams::

2006-02-12T22:32:00.000+08:00

Ok dun bother about the title. It's the latest game by CAPCOM, the 4th on the Onimusha series. I'm trying to beat the crap out of the enemies there. Somehow the game seems easier than the previous installment.

Sometimes it bothers me when Japanese games went to the market 1st. I mean, I know THEY created the games first (Final Fantasies, Xenosaga, Kingdom Hearts etc) but isn't it better if they did it like Onimusha 4? The game has the option of changing the language, both written and spoken, to either English or Japanese. Which means I can change the written to English but still maintain the Japanese voices. Ahh the cute voice of the lil children.. and the annoying sound of the bad-ass Genma...

I'm beginning to feel cold here. Fever, coming rite up.. *sigh* Haven't finish up my work on buku cenderamata.. *sigh* someone please shoot me on the head.. with a real gun that is..

Ah, how come people get piss off when a person who just broke off found someone else? I know, I know, I'm not being a sensitive man.. But aren't we suppose to somehow.. 'move on'? *sigh* I maybe wrong, but i dun go around making sending sms, stating something outrageous just to piss people off.

It's been a while since I last undergo a jamming session with my friends.. Eh maner korang ah? Hilang pulak dah... tumbuk nak? :P

I miss my PS2.. I dunno if i have a happy life nowadays. But I'm trying to be happy. What's the point of being sad, eh? And then I came across this words.. got it from someone's signature on a forum that I join..

All the darkness in the world could never extinguish the flame of a single candle

Nice, eh? Try to understand the meaning of it. Lucifer must be pissed of by now.. *grin*

say WHAT?

2006-02-09T19:35:00.000+08:00

I really dun get it..

How come it's always my fault?

She's the one who had a boyfriend first..

So should I wait for her?

Did i gave her hope? Or izzit the other way round?

I don't get it. It's ALWAYS my fault.

I ALWAYS don't understand her. I ALWAYS pisses her off. What about ME? People always pretend that they care. They care about how I felt. And I fucking hate pretenders. She has a boyfriend. And THAT boyfriend is MY FRIEND. Should I wait?

Is it MY FAULT that she build a relationship with a person she DOESN'T LOVE?

This situation really pisses me off...

LoVe ThinG?

2006-02-06T01:17:00.000+08:00

Adakah tapak tanganmu berkeringat, hatimu
berdebar kencang dan
suaramu
tersekat di dadamu?
Itu bukan Cinta, itu SUKA.

Adakah kamu tidak dapat melepaskan pandangan
mata darinya?
Itu bukan Cinta, itu NAFSU.

Adakah kamu menginginkannya kerana kamu tahu
ia ada di sana?
Itu bukan Cinta, itu KESEPIAN.

Adakah kamu mencintainya kerana itulah yang
diinginkan semua
orang?
Itu bukan Cinta, itu KESETIAAN

Adakah kamu tetap mengatakan kamu
menyintainya kerana kamu tidak
ingin melukai hatinya?
Itu bukan Cinta, itu BELAS KASIHAN.

Adakah kamu menjadi miliknya kerana pandangan
matanya membuat
hatimu
melompat?
Itu bukan Cinta, itu TERGILA-GILA.

Adakah kamu memaafkan kesalahannya kerana
kamu mengambil berat
tentangnya?
Itu bukan Cinta, itu PERSAHABATAN.

Adakah kamu mengatakan padanya bahawa
setiap hari hanya dia yang
kamu
fikirkan?
Itu bukan Cinta, itu DUSTA.

Adakah kamu rela memberikan semua perkara
yang kamu senangi untuk
kepentingan dirinya?
Itu bukan Cinta, itu KEMURAHAN HATI.

Tetapi

Adakah kamu tetap bertahan kerana campuran
antara kesakitan dan
kegembiraan yang membutakan dan tak
terfahami ... menarikmu
mendekati dan tetap bersamanya?
ITULAH CINTA.

Apakah kamu menerima kesalahannya kerna itu
bahagian dirinya dan
siapa
dirinya?
Jika demikian, ITULAH CINTA.

Adakah kamu tertarik dengan orang lain tapi setia
dengannya tanpa
penyesalan?
Jika demikian, ITULAH CINTA.

Adakah kamu menangis kerana kesakitannya
walaupun saat itu dia
kuat?
ITULAH CINTA.

Adakah hatimu sakit dan hancur ketika dia
bersedih?
ITULAH CINTA.

Adakah hatimu gembira ketika dia berbahagia?
ITULAH CINTA.

Adakah matanya melihat hatimu dan menyentuh
jiwamu begitu
mendalam
sehingga menusuk?
Yang demikian itulah namanya CINTA.

----------------------------------------------------------

Why did I post this? God knows... :P

I just found out today that some people can't bear the thought that you getting better. Yes, while you're smiling here, there are some of those guys or girls out there are frowning and hating you. But the problem is, these kind of motherfuckers smile and chat and talk and laugh with you when you're around.

True motherfuckers if u ask me..

::Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah::

2006-02-05T00:34:00.000+08:00

Hooo boy...

So little time so much to do..

I'm missing someone..

Can't mention the name, though..

How come I'm always on the wrong side? I mean, each time shit happens, they blame it on me.... *sigh*

Ah, thanks to Boey, Ms. Harime a.k.a aNem and Fachak for helping me through in making the booklet for SUkan PERsilatan. It's hell of a work, but with the help of you guys, it's been fun. Thank you very much. May ALLAH bless you all with His Grace and His Mercy...

I'm tired..
I miss my PS2...

::Nymphetamine::

2006-01-29T23:47:00.000+08:00

I dunno what to write today. Mental blocking. I had enuff actually. Enuff of people poking through my egoistic mind, challenging me mentally. 'Nak tengok sekeras mana hati aku'. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.

*keraskan hati*

Maybe it's wrong for me to tell someone not to go out at 0200 in the morning. I've heard oh so many cases lately, and I'm just being a good companian by telling someone not to to it. But what do I get in return? I'll put that to your imagination...

Maybe it's because these kinda people have such a thick motherfucking skull, people care about you motherfucker! I can't make it, so you go out with someone else? Nice..

Found out something cool today. Cradle of Filth is goood.. back to the old "Hail Satan" days..

:The Cut, The Stitches and The Pain.....::

2006-01-22T22:42:00.000+08:00

Kene fitnah lagi.. *sigh*

Who cares anyway, eh? If she really into me, she won't beLIEve all those lies..

I'm losing someone, not because of her, but because of me. I can't seem to forget. I thought I had a hope, but she blew it away. How I wish she didn't say that kinda words. *sigh*

My Ms. Harime, how I wish you didn't say all those words. You gave me hope, but you rip it away from me.. Of all the people around me, I trust YOU the most.. I thought YOU knew me best...

The wound heals.. but the scars remain.. I really wish we could go back the way we used to be.. but if you don't need me anymore, fine by me...

------------------------------------------------
WILD WORLD
Mr. Big

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you want to start something new
And it's breaking my heart you're leaving
Baby I'm grieving

And if you wanna leave take good care
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
A lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
(yeah...) oh baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child girl
You know I've seen a lot of
What the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
Coz I never want to see you sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
Just remember there's
A lot of bad and beware
La...la...la...la...la...baby I love you.

::MiSSinG::

2006-01-17T00:51:00.000+08:00

I have nothing to write today.

I miss her.

I really miss her.

Though I can't do anything about that.

So it shall be written..

So it shall be done.

I really wish she'll take back those words.

Maybe she can't see that I can't live without her.

I miss her hugs...

Her kisses..

Her laughter...

Her tears...

Her ways of 'seducing' me...

Her ways of making fun of me..

Her voice when she call me names...

I miss her.. all of her...

Forgive me, but I can't erase YOU from my mind..

I Miss You

T.T

::No oNe TheRe..::

2006-01-15T14:27:00.000+08:00

:nO One TherE:
.Sentenced.

The axe, the bottle, and the rope
The feeling there really is no more hope
The thought of the great unknown
And facing it alone
The dark, the silent, and the cold
The feeling I have come to the end of my road
Yes these are the things I spend my remaining moments with

And the wind blows through my heart
Shivers me one last time
As I now reach out in the dark
No one there

Why did it have to be so hard
For us to live our lives
Again I reach out in the dark in despair

The desperation and the snow
The feeling of finally coming back home
The melancholy and the hole in the soil so hard and cold

And the wind blows through my heart
Shivers me one last time
As I now reach out in the dark
No one there

Your love for me, my love for you
Things we somehow managed to lose
Now there's only the ruthless wind
To blow right through

If freezes my heart, my desperate heart
If freezes my heart, my desperate heart
If freezes my heart, my desperate heart
To think we both will die alone

And the wind blows through my heart
Shivers me one last time
As I now reach out in the dark
No one there

--------------------------------------------------------

Nothing to write today. I'm trying hard to look at the bright side.. Everything is planned. Allah has His reasons, and it's not our job to 'ask' about His reasons. Trying hard to play the 'Call of Duty 2', damn it's one, tough cookie if u ask me! I miss my PS2... I'm missing someone actually.

Went for the usual jamming session with Shah and Fariz. Just the 3 of us there. Felt like Blink 182 there, with Ms. Jackie strapped on Shah's shoulder. So it's Blink 182, but with a kick-ass solos. Played the usual routine, Shah on the guitar, Fariz on the drum, and yours truly on the bass. Heheh, Shah said I looked different when we played 'I Remember You'... Feeeling lebih katenyer... *sigh*. And i injured my ribs while singing 'Alma Mater', dun ask me how I got those injuries, I just did...

I really wish she's here now..

::CoW-rban::

2006-01-11T20:15:00.000+08:00

Korban.. Sacrifice. We need to sacrifice things in our lives, in order to gain a better stuff. Prophet Ibrahim sacrificed his beloved son, the Prophet Ismail, thus gaining Allah's Love and Forgiveness. But people don't usually see that by sacrificing something, you'll gain more good stuff later on. I think that's why it's called IMAN.. the abilities to believe something that you cannot see.

I went to Muar, to Kak Ati's hometown, on Hari Raya Qurban. It was a great trip! The best part was, the 3 of us (Fariz, Abg Man n I) had to, well... 'lapah' the head of the cow. Imagine us, without any knowledge of 'lapah' whatsoever... we're lucky Abg Bandi's dad was there. He showed us the rite way, the 'OTAI' way of cutting of the skin from the meat, the meat from the bone. The hardest part was, believe it or not, is to take out the freaking brain out from the skull. Cows have a hard skull, believe me. When people say "You're head is like a cow", go on and say "Why, thank ye..". It's so fucking hard. The cow can bang his head on the road and say "Hey, I'm perfectly ok".

After 2 fucking hours of 'lapah'-ing the head of the cow, we get to pampered ourselves with a nice, rib-soup. HeLL yES tHaT wAs sUcH a NicE TreAt!!! It's fresh, nice, warm, juicy, uhh.. wait.. now that sounds obscene...

Next stop, Ecah's house. Fariz's beloved girl's house at Batu Pahat. Such a nice family, they are.. Had a nice chat with her parents. Such a sweet couple. :D

Arrived at home around 1:30am. Damn tired. But hey, we gained sumthing new.. Now I can go around n say "I've cut out the brains of a cow..". Sounds like a black metal follower to me.. :P

::NeO::

2006-01-08T18:48:00.000+08:00

The title is another name for "new".

New blogs, new life, new friends, new hobbies...

Just watched the movie "Saw 2", the sequel to "Saw", and hell those are the most psychotic movie i ever saw!!! But it does teaches us one thing, appreciate life and those around u. I dun wanna spoil the movie, better go and watch it u'rself! :D

I've been thinking, what's with the kids nowadays? I mean, when I was roughly 9 years old or so, I dun even dare to step out of the house without my mom's permission. Dun wanna mess with her.. know wot i'm saying here? But the kids nowadays are totally different, there are a few parents came into the cc and ask me about their kids. I mean.. "how the fuck should I know about those kids, eh?". I'm not saying that my parents are better than this 'new age' parents, it's just that these kids are more.. 'kurang ajar'. Sorry, that's the most polite word I can think of now. There are even those who came into the cc and did something like this..

Kid : Bang, bukak PC17, open eh.
Me : Eh, tak boleh, bayar dulu dik.
Kid : *with a loud voice* Hah? Bayar dulu? Tak payah lah, open ajerlah.
Me : *stands up* Aku cakap bayar dulu, ko pulak nak ajar aku.
Kid : Kalau bayar dulu takper lah. *Walk out*

The kid's lucky he's not my lil bro.. Bet Boey my friend have faced the same, or near, the situation above. Darn brat!

::aHaD YanG SuRaM::

2006-01-03T19:42:00.000+08:00

:gLooMy SunDaY:

Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?

Gloomy Sunday

Gloomy is Sunday, with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are sad I know
Let them not weep let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream for in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you

Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep in the deep of my heart, here
Darling, I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you

Gloomy Sunday